Tuesday Afternoon

 Entry 1    10:55 a.m.

My world is so insane. I stay to take care of Jenny, my ersatz-wife out of my love for her and because I do not want the obligations to fall on Leiney, which they would. I care for Jenny with little expectation, save that she tell me when she is going to see el pinché--that never happens--and that he stays the fuck away from our home (as far as I know, he hasn't been here). I guess the same goes for Sheila--so long as I am around.  Meanwhile, Jenny resents and I think while she won't admit it or utter it--hates me for not just putting up with her love affair. She is not nice to me. She said to me last night and again this morning that she probably will be gone all day with Heather. After I told Heather what I thought of her in facilitating the rendezvous' with el pinché twice, the latter instance after I found hard evidence she was doing it, Heather no longer feels comfortable being here. Hence the announcement by Jenny twice, that she may not be here today.  She also said in her opinion, she should be able to have the caregivers she wants to come over. I made it clear that I never said Heather could not come help her, in fact I was clear that would be fine. Just don't expect me to roll out the red carpet or dust off the welcome mat. Last week, after the tête-à-tête with Heather, and after Heather spoke to Jenny about it,  Jenny sent out a long email to all the people on her care giving list. Inferentially discussing how we would proceed going forward, now that I have made my views clear, the email offered people the choice( if they didn't feel comfortable being here now that I have spoken my truth) to have Jenny go with them elsewhere. It was drama, so I ignored it. The salient question that arises in my mind is why would any of these people feel uncomfortable if they think abetting the affair is okay? I mean, they know I know. They know how I feel. I was clear to Jennifer, Jeanne and Heather. 

Lake Union, July 2014

This is all led to this morning and Jenny saying to me that she should be able to have whatever caregiver she wants here, as I mentioned above. I made it clear that no one is going to interfere or prevent them from coming. Heather showed up at 9:24 a.m. I was and remain in my office, they left shortly after Heather arrived. Im not sure where they went. Anyway, Jenny said this to me in anger and with great resentment. Let me repeat, as she would tell you, I am only kind to her, only have kind words for her as a rule. As a rule. And she is almost always, well all the time now, sullen, sulking and generally unpleasant toward me. It's been getting worse since I talked to Heather, but it has been true for months that she just can't be nice to me for any stretch of time.

Meanwhile, Moni and Chris are skiing in Sun Valley. Chris returns some time next week. Moni decided to come back sooner, ostensibly because she said she was worried about Jenny. Now, I think that was never the reason for her early return. Instead, she mentioned without realizing the contradiction, that she had always been planning on moving furniture up to her new Orcas home on Saturday.  I am taking Leiney and Abby to Portland for the weekend. I got them their own room at the Marriott, we will go to Powells' Books, Voodoo Donuts, etc. (Pro-tip, order online and skip waiting in the COVID-19 catchment area when you go pick up your donuts you are always first in line.)  I reached out to Moni and Chris, while Jenny was sleeping, asking if they knew the plan for coverage while I am gone. Jenny needs care 24/7, and has for some time. Chris offered we should include Jenny in the discussion, echoing or parroting a mantra I always repeat when plans are shaped or put in place without Jenny. But, I wasn't seeking to make plans, I was asking if they knew of any plans extant, and noted the same in my response. At this point Moni weighs in and volunteers that Jenny is organizing it, offers suggestions for help, and then says she will be unavailable because she will be going to her house up on Orcas Island for the weekend. I don't begrudge that, but it seems like the original claim that Moni made that she was coming home earlier than Chris for Jenny's sake was patently untrue. Sheesh.

Entry 2      4:56 p.m.

Jenny is barely speaking to me. Her ever present low-level anger has now grown into a slow rolling boil. Small bubbles of dismay popping to the surface in groups, to fill the day. It is noticeable, but not something I am having trouble navigating. I am treating her as I would like to be treated, with loving kindness. Coupled with the incessant playing of the Olympics on television when she is home, I have found my messy office (ironic because I keep the rest of the house immaculate) a refuge, shelter from the storm, if you will. 

Then there is this small bit of game playing. Each day at least 3 or 4 times, usually when I am giving Jenny her morning meds or when she is going to sleep at night, but always when no one else is within earshot, she says, "I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be done," or "I wish I could just die right now," or "I wish I had a suicide chair." There are many variations on a theme. I told her we would support her, no matter her decision--that was my original answer. But it kept coming. This has been going on--off and on--since she was diagnosed. It had been intermittent, now it is every day. It has never been serious--in my estimation. It is manipulative. It has gotten to be too much. 

I have been more blunt in the last week. When she expressed her desire to stop chemotherapy yesterday morning as I was giving her morning meds, I said, "You know you have options. You don't have to keep doing chemotherapy." Her response, "You just want to be done with me." For crying out loud, for the sake of Pete and Fuck, I didn't say that, and I don't feel that way. I have never expressed anything of the sort to her, nor inferred it. I told her the same yesterday. This morning, when she crawled down to my room to tell me for the third time today that she wants to be done, I asked her to stop telling me this. I suggested she tell her sisters how she felt . She refused, saying she by

I am tired of game playing. Very tired of it. I am not playing anymore.

Leiney is formally taking a hardship withdrawal this week--leaving Western to be home. I made it clear to her today that if this is her choice, I will support her. She shouldn't go if she can't focus. I also said to her that while she has taken a withdrawal, she does need to go back and finish. There really is no other option. I am guessing that will be in the fall or winter. She wants to be home with her mom now. Let's see if her mom spends more time with her, doing anything besides sitting on the couch together.