I'm Wide Awake, I'm Not Sleeping

 Entry 1    4:14 a.m.

I have slept 3 hours in the last 45. I haven't slept a wink since 6:30 a.m. yesterday. Every lengthy pause on breathing fills me with dread. The empty silence portends my future. It's Leiney's 🎂🎉 birthday 🎉🍰, so of course I am convinced Jenny will pass away today. The doctor says not likely, given her strong heart.  She has stopped eating. She is prescribed liquid  morphine and lorazepam, q4. I am fearful right now, as her breaths get farther and farther apart. 

I met a Jenny in 1986, started dating her in 1990, coupled off in 1991, and married in 1998. When I lose her, I will lose a piece of me. The kids will lose the woman who birthed them. We will be a family still. I will be a widower. A widower.

I will try again and sleep. I am tired. But I am a bundle of nerves. Raclette may be on the menu tonight. Leiney has asked for it. We shall see.


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