Deep Diving

Last summer I had the strangest experience. I may even have mentioned it in this journal. I went to the funeral of Jenny' BFF Amy's mother-in-law. Amy's husband Mark and I have always been nice to one another, affable. We have known each other for 3 decades. At the funeral Mark was perfectly nice to Jenny, but a stone dick to me. I wrote it off as having trouble dealing with the loss of his mother.

I now have a better understanding of what happened, after spending a very long time on Jenny's phone. Additionally, I have found out what an idiot I have been, and how much she prevaricates. It's late, and I likely will expand more on all of this after I have digested it, but she has convinced her BFF that in the 7 or 8 loud arguments we have had about her ongoing affair in now almost 19 months of this, I am somehow emotionally abusive because I am angry about the affair. I will provide receipts when I circle back tomorrow.  Amy, among others, thinks I need to get over the fact Jenny is having an affair.  A brief aside, Heather told Jenny that she should be able to do anything she wants sans consequence because she is dying.  How far does one take that?  Wow. She also thinks I should just get over it.

I am struggling, having just learned that as recently as September, Jenny was going to have lunch with Eric every day. Every. Mother. Fucking. Day. I am cooking, cleaning, working, caring for the kids, the dog, the house, the laundry and on and on and on, and she is off with this meshuggenah. I never spend much time on her phone, but let me just say, she leaves so many bread crumbs that if she had replaced Gretel, those kids never would have gotten lost.  The good news is I followed the trail and each individual crumb I could find. I didn't search the pictures, I couldn't take it. And clearly, things have been deleted from her text stream, but not enough.

I honestly didn't see a single kind mention. In fact she told someone I treat her terribly each day, which is as far from the truth as can be, and which makes it especially raw and hurtful. Whenever she complains about my response to the affair with el pinché and el pinché related things, I ask her if I am nice to her. This conversation only happens in tandem therapy, btw. I ask her if she can ever tell I am mad (barring the few fights after I discover more betrayal), and she admits  she cannot. Am I ever anything but kind to her? No, she will say. Do I always help her, put her needs first, yadda, yadda, yadda. Yes, she will admit. But she just doesn't like that I don't accept the affair nor accept the lie that the affair is over. 

Kim, who is at our house now, stayed with us a year ago. After she returned home, Jenny sent her a text saying I had been on my best behavior while Kim was there and was now back to being a schmuck. I wish I had the capacity sometimes, to maintain some semblance of anger. But she is dying, and so I don't dare. My outlet is therapy and this journal. But these people all see me treat her well, and yet they believe I am an ass? Every single woman that comes to take care of her, save my sister, has spent time with Jenny and Eric it seems. And she has no compunction, nor do any of them. It's extraordinary, or it just confirms my suspicion that the entire human race is worth about as much as two Reichsmarks in the closing days of the Weimar republic.

And the worst part is that I actually like some of these people and thought they liked me. Maybe they were bamboozled or went along for the ride without knowing what to say. If neither of those explanations hold, then why did they do it?

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