kvetching up

I am glad that AI wasn't around when Jenny was ill. I would have asked for every permutation and possible outcome. I know this because since I woke up early this morning, I was giving AI excerpts of my recent exploration--the stress test, the echocardiogram, and family history (uncle dead at 66 from an MI, my dad dead of a stroke at 48). It's cheery stuff. I just want to know what to expect. Here is my favorite AI's response: Before adding family history, based on everything you told me, I estimated roughly: CABG: ~55–70% Stents: ~20–35% Meds only: ~5–10% With strong family history of early and severe vascular disease , I’d nudge that further to something like: CABG recommended: ~60–75% More stents: ~15–30% Meds only: ~5–10% Why not 90%+? Because: If the cath shows one clear focal culprit lesion and the rest is moderate/stable, they may still reasonably stent that. Anatomy still rules. But your family history makes it much less likely they’ll say:...

8:03 a.m.  Bright and early on a Saturday, I am at hospital, waiting on my imaging appt. Did I mention this is Saturday? Been up since nearly, but not quite, 4 a.m.  I'm hoping they find no occlusions, no stenosis  more likely, it will appear that the yellow brick road runs through my left ventricle. Monjouro has me down another couple lbs, my stomach nearly as flat as my affect. Is there even a slight possibility this is going to result in good news? Keep hope alive. 2 PM. They already have a bill up for the angiogram I undergo on Thursday. Process flow: angiogram--if not too dirty angioplasty and stents. Too dirty, calendar for bypass surgery at Swedish. I am dreading both Thursday and the almost Bellagio-like buffet choices--all so excellent. Do nothing, stent or surgery. Fun. The bill for the procedure is already in Mychart. Just under 30 grand--I am responsible for about 800 of that because of insurance. I miss having double-coverage, which is reason alone to get mar...

Crossroads I woke up at 3 a.m. to the sound of sirens in the far distance. On the other side of the fence line, a coyote repeatedly howled back an answer. The schmucks are snug in a den in the blackberry bushes. Willow thought about going out, but didn't fight it when I rejected her ask. I stand either quite near her outside or at the window when she goes out at night, depending on the perceived proximity of the little jerks. Most nights I go with her. Most nights since the coyotes came, and only when she knows they are around, she asks me and waits for me to come with her. She is no dummy. She could eat one or two coyotes, she is huge and built for war, but I don't want that to ever have to be tested. Most of the preliminary stuff is done. On Saturday I have an early morning ultrasound of my heart, just for kicks I suppose. I wonder if that will give them enough information to just say fuck it, we are cutting him open.  I've talked to two ppl who have had open heart surger...

I'm Doin' Fine   Like I forgot the lyrics to a Johnny Cash song, A lost child in the forest ramblin’ on and on, If I forgave you for doing wrong, I'd be messin' up a damn good country song I’m a Ford that ain’t run since 2009, I’m a broken 8-track player, a wandering eye A phone that never gets anyone on the line Ask anyone around, I’m doin’ fine You been gone so long the sun lost its shine, Your love for me was so sublime My next home will be a box of pine Ask anyone around, I’m doin’ fine Sitting alone with a box of wine, Every minute you are on my mind A long time ago you said you'd be mine? Ask anyone around, I’m doin’ fine I have a heart procedure next week. The doctor told me the problem with my earlier procedure is that it wasn't open heart surgery. So, he has done what he has to do, scheduled me for the placement of stents next week on Leiney's birthday. Its as soon as he could get me in, and I can't wait any longer. Making it even b...

 Entry 1    12:15 p.m. Jenny is in the hospital until Wednesday. I am home with the girls. She has a procedure in the morning. Not much else to report. Our heat pump stopped working, so our backup electric heat system kicked in. It is for shit. We have the gas fireplace and two electric heaters in the living room to supplement the electric heat that kicks in when the heat pump isn't working. It is quiet here. The girls are on the sofa, and have been together for more than an hour. It is a combination of the cold basement, the need for emotional support to deal with the fears we all harbor, that drove Abby from her lair.  I am grateful.  So many of Jenny's friends are reaching out. The time is coming that I will talk to them for the last time. I am dreading Jenny's death. I am also dreading the pregnant "how are you doing" questions that will come for the next year or years. The "I am so sorry" and "How are the kids handling this?" statements an...

 Entry 1     9:20 a.m. It's all too much for Jenny. It's all too much for the girls. It's all too much for me. Jenny's abdominal pain has yet to go away completely, which was the promise of the procedure. She took her morning pain relief medicine, and the pain stopped, so that is some progress. But yesterday was incredibly hard for her. She really didn't move from the couch. Last night I drove Chris' family to the airport--Abby shuttling 2 of the 5 people in her car. The plan had been for Jenny to drive one of the cars. She was too weak. While we were taking the family to the airport, Jenny tried to get up from the couch to wash a mug. She was too winded to do it when she got to the sink.  I made breakfast yesterday  morning for everyone, Jenny and a couple friends, Abby and I.  Jenny complained of being in pain still, and I made sure she got her medication. I suggested that by today the celiac plexus block procedure should work. I didn't really know, ...

 Entry 1      10:40 p.m. Long day.  Jenny woke up sad and in pain. She isn't supposed to have pain in her abdomen. That was the point of the procedure. At bedtime, having already taken 3 oxycodone, she was suffering so much she took 2 Dilaudid.  I hope it provides some relief. I optimistically suggested that the procedure may show results tomorrow. Let's hope. It takes every ounce of will for Jenny to move more than a few feet. Her energy level is no better than it was before she received the 2 units of blood a week ago. She wants to help me with things, but I won't let her for fear she may fall and injure herself. Tonight, as I was cleaning up from dinner, she left the couch to try and take Willow outside. She made it 8 feet maybe, before she almost collapsed. I don't want her to help, I don't want her getting injured, she is in enough pain as it is.  I got her back to the sectional and took the dogs out myself, and asked her to please not try that ag...

  Entry 1     10:31 a.m. Woke this morning at 6:00 a.m.  with today squarely on my mind.  I am sitting outside the procedure room in the Jones Pavilion at Virginia Mason, almost exactly 13 months from the first time Jenny had a procedure done.  She is in with the health care professionals for a tumor biopsy of her liver. The women at the admitting desk tried to chase me away almost immediately. VM would prefer no one be in the building, save the workers and patients. I can't stand the idea of being farther away than necessary. They suggested I not come in at the entrance, but there is no bar, and Jenny needed  me to be with her. Largely empty corridor waiting room. Jenny had  blood work done, got some preliminary pictures taken (both done in the Buck Pavilion). We then walked or hobbled over here to Jones Pavilion.  She told me one of her mets on her liver is the distance between, bending her forefinger and thumb to show the size, about...