kvetching up

Arosa, 🇨🇭 Switzerland, 2018.   How do you square claiming to follow moral and ethical behavior with supporting a friend who is cheating? How was it Jenny's friends held her blameless and legitimately expected me to suck it up and accept her rejection of the kids and betrayal of our relationship ? I read their texts and emails with Jenny and was always baffled by this. One of these ppl was a school counselor, another two had  MSWs. I say this often, but Sara, Paul, Lisa, Cheryl, Ethan, Laurie, Ashley, and others kept me sane, were rationality defined. Had I only been reading the nonsense of Jenny's friends, I would have been lost to the madness.  They would tell each other that I was unreasonable, that I needed to get over it, that I needed to grow up and accept the behavior. They believed my refusal to do so was abusive. Part of this was, of course Jenny's seemed version of reality--i.e., she lied to them as easily as she exhaled, but it was also this conc...

 Entry 1     8:36 a.m.       Prompt We are going to get COVID-19 tests in a few minutes.  I am looking forward to getting the PCR test.

Therapy I may have inadvertently stumbled across the best therapist I could find for the set of life problems I am dealing with.  Yesterday we spoke about the impossibility of the situation, the ceaseless gaslighting, the questionable couple's therapy, and the need to compartmentalize to survive this difficult time. For to Live Without Your Love  It's Just Impossible Pancreatic cancer.  Death. Loss. Survivors.  Alone, this cluster is enough to paralyze a person.  Add to that the discovery that ther spouse with a terminal illness has been carrying on a long term affair and refuses to stop and, well, fuck all it's impossible.  It has gotten better, living with all this.  And the strategy to help improve the day-to-day and long-term interactions is working, thus far.  But  underneath it all, I suffer.  I am lonely. I have allies, but no refuge; understanding, but no cure.  I am up to my neck in a sea of daily grief, but I'm learning to...

If someone stepping on your throat apologizes for doing so, it doesn't mean a lot if she doesn't lift her foot and let you breathe. Last night's tandem therapy session (hard to call  therapy with Shayla, marriage therapy, when the goal isn't to recouple)  was Jenny talking for 45 minutes, and me listening, largely in silence.  Jenny is in excellent spirits because she is feeling much better than she has since chemotherapy began.  Also, I don't discuss Eric  the pinché motherfucker. She mentioned last night a couple of things worth noting.  One is, she is ever so grateful how I am caring for her.  But, she just can't let go of   Eric  the pinché motherfucker.  Two, she is upset I am talking to people about the affair--and that apparently I didn't tell Kelly (which one?) that I had an affair 10 years ago (when we were separated as a result of an affair she had). With regard to the former, I told her the story of falling in love w...

Entry 1 Soooo, I have been in a hotel for 11 days. I am going with Abby to her sleep study tonight, and then tomorrow will begin staying for a month at an airbnb at 65th and 35th.  Jenny still refuses to stop seeing  Eric  the pinché motherfucker.  I finally realized this means she has chosen him over me.  I'm a bit thick at times, and more of an optimist/idealist than I realized. I have been coming home each day to care for Jenny, and will continue to do so. She is angry whenever I leave. I can't take her anger, the constant texting, the sneaking off and the overt time spent with el pinche rather than with the kids or me. The kids seem to be doing ok, they still see me every day and that will continue.  I apologized again to Leiney for moving out, and she assured me that she doesn't think this is my fault.  Abby is a cipher. Sadness comes in waves, sneaks in when I least expect it.  If home with the girls, sans Jenny, I am content.  Given th...