kvetching up

Entry 1     8:46 a.m.  Ani DiFranco was my favorite artist for several years in the 1990s. Not so much anymore, but there was a time.  In 1997 she released a double-live CD, Living In Clip.  Clipping is distortion from an amplifier--the cause of which isn't important here.  Of one thing I am certain. Since August of last year, I have been living in clip--everything has been and remains distorted, doubly so.  That I am living in a world made distorted by terminal illness and an ongoing affair, was again last night made clear in our tandem therapy.  I offer a huzzah for the therapist who two weeks in a row saw a side of Jenny that I think she is finally understanding. It was very much a discussion about death and dying, magic and loss. Magic because we talked about God. Loss, because we talked about the end. In an incredibly smart move, I had 3 fingers of scotch right as the meeting started, in a high ball glass.  It was enough to keep m...

Because I could not stop for Death – He kindly stopped for me – The Carriage held but just Ourselves – And Immortality. -from Emily Dickinson's, "Because I Could Not Stop for Death." It's chemo day.  This morning I went into my office for the second time in the last year, and then met Jenny at chemo. We are sitting and waiting for the actual administration of the poison. I am sleepy and contemplative. I am also very concerned.  It's hard to tell what the doctor is thinking, given his propensity for avoiding the conversation about prognosis--his utter refusal to discuss disease progression.  But, he came in incredibly subdued and remained uncharacteristically mopey. It is hard to say if he is worried about Jenny or if he has other patients, other things on his mind.  I would need the ability to read minutiae like that of a sovietologist to figure out the reason for Dr. P's mood.  What I can report is that Jenny's CA19-9 is up again, another 400 points, to 3...