kvetching up

For 30 years we were together. For 30 years, if there was a family event, from a small dinner to a large holiday celebration, I went. My sisters-in-law both have spouses. They would show up at all the large celebrations, but often, for smaller occasions, they would not attend. So, it would be Jenny, Omi, our kids and me. When I would on occasion find out my analogues in the family weren't attending a given event, I would sometimes suggest to Jenny I skip the event. It is not as if these were rare occasions. Jenny was always offended and never agreed. To keep the peace, on all but maybe one or two occasions--let's call them excused absences (pretty much only sick or work obligations)--I would just attend.  This isn't about Jenny, believe it or not . The question I have asked myself over the last several years is why I didn't push back harder. We had serious arguments over this, the few times I suggested I not attend. When I would point out my cohorts were not attending, ...

[Note Accident and Emergency is what the call emergency rooms in the UK] have you been here waiting long?  with the others whose evening"s gone wrong have you been here waiting long? --from Accident and Emergency by Lucy Wainwright Roche   What a weekend.  Can I even remember all the events, I'm not sure.  So, Ill just touch on a couple of things. Yesterday Jenny and I spent the day together all around Seattle and Renton, ending up at the Jacob Lawrence Exhibition at SAM in the afternoon.  We went with Jane and Mike.  I like SAM much more than I used to, both its standing and traveling exhibits. Benedict Arnold In the evening, we continued hanging out, watching What About Bob, one of the great Bill Murray movies, with Leiney. We were out again this morning, Sunday, the two of us running around before we met with a financial advisor, who us helping us understand how to better plan for retirement, and who was impressed with what we have done so far.  T...

Sunday March 28, 2021 “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” --Frank Herbert Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less. --Marie Curie Today, I am living in a world where I have to prepare for the worst.  I have again spent the last few days obsessively reading medical journals on PDAC.  I don't want to believe this is incurable.  I read things like, "Most people die within 4-10 months," and that the true statistic for stage IV with distant metastases. Survival is .5% over 5 years.  We are at 7 months.  I pray for 30 more years.   How do you live in such a state without becoming fear's doppelgänger?  I don...

Terrified of the Road Ahead   Venus and Mars surprised by Vulcan Currently, I am sitting in the parking lot at YTN, reading medical journals on PDAC. I am curious what the journals suggest an elevated CA-19-9 level (the cancer marker) might mean. Jenny's is stable at 2349 (normal reading is >37). Hers was under 1000 at diagnosis, and crashed as low as the 300s in initial treatment, before beginning its ascent in late October.  It more than doubled from 331.2 in early October to 792.4 at the next session. It dropped below 1000 a couple times since then, but the trend isn't encouraging.  Amongst the literature I perused, I found  this, "Rising CA 19-9 values mean the tumor is growing." That statement is too strong.  Other things can cause the number to go up, an obstructed biliary duct, for instance. The worry for me is of all the examples listed as reasons CA19-9 may be elevated, none were things Jenny has. I'm not a medical doctor, so I don't know what t...