kvetching up

 Entry 1   7:19 a.m.  Amelia, Jenny's best friend since birth, came over last night for dinner with the kids and I.  Having people over the kids know and who were close with Jenny is really helpful as we go down this road. Entry 2   9:47 a.m. Riding with Abby, with whom I am attending a vinyl record sale at the Seattle Center Armory, the same place where Abby attends school. Whenever I try and go out, I am crushed with loss. Abject. Stark. Complete. These roads I traveled so often with Jenny, this place where we met and built our lives together, and then left only to return to raise a family. I ache. And then Leavin' On A Jetplane comes on, John Denver's voice coming out of Abby's stero system to reminded me of Jenny and all the times we sang this together.  The world conspires to force me to grieve. Success. Entry 3.   9:49 p.m. I scored at the record sale too. When I was a kid, every Friday night from 3rd grade in, I would stay up late...

Captured on the Carousel of Time It's Saturday morning. I'm writing on my phone with my thumbs, so expect lots of spelling errors. My thumbs rarely consistently find the right keys.  Abby couldn't find her license, so here I sit on Mercer Island in the YTN parking lot, lusting for the coffee sitting in front of me, too hot to drink. Which, sounds like garden variety lust, actually, yearning for something just out of reach, just a tad too hot to handle. On to more meaty subjects.  Jenny asked me to draft her Caringbridge post-chemo update last night, which hasn't happened--I mean I haven't done it--in months.  I started it, and then fell asleep around 8, never finishing.  I woke up this morning to find she did it herself in the dark of night, for which I am eminently grateful.  Reading it, I noticed again something completely fascinating.  Generally, I am omitted from her posts, and where I do show up it's as a descriptor at best, a noun modifier maybe....

Sunday March 28, 2021 “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” --Frank Herbert Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less. --Marie Curie Today, I am living in a world where I have to prepare for the worst.  I have again spent the last few days obsessively reading medical journals on PDAC.  I don't want to believe this is incurable.  I read things like, "Most people die within 4-10 months," and that the true statistic for stage IV with distant metastases. Survival is .5% over 5 years.  We are at 7 months.  I pray for 30 more years.   How do you live in such a state without becoming fear's doppelgänger?  I don...

De Nile flowing through Egypt Leiney is an amazing young woman.  Her kindness is innate, and overflows all the time. She is whipsmart, curious, and obsessed with justice.  It's what drew her to Fairhaven, where she has just completed her first two quarters.  She entered uni with 60 credits, so she is technically a sophomore.  But she has been stuck home, doing distance learning since last spring as a high school senior and is done with it.  Yesterday, she told Jenny and I that she has withdrawn for spring quarter and is going to find work.  I felt sorrow for her, and was quiet--trying to keep my shit separate from hers--after she told us.  Jenny, gushed with pride.  She told Leiney she was so proud of her for telling us, and for being proactive about withdrawing--sentiments I share.  Jenny then said, its just so hard with so much going on, COVID-19 and your mom sick with a terminal illness.  I waited.  The third leg of the stoo...

Springing Forward Riding shotgun in Abby's car on the I-90 bridge, 3.11.2021. Abby had her first performance of The Complete Works of Shakespeare last night, and she was marvelous.  She was lit up like an 80s FM haunted house at Halloween when she got home. That was great to see, and I love that she finds such joy in something.  Leiney, always clutch, drove Abby over and back so I could have therapy and Jenny could continue to rest while receiving chemo (5 FU) through her take home pump. Therapy was, as it should be, cathartic, and especially affirming.  3rd week of putting issues around the pinche motherfucker in the box, and it's going well.  When I was trying to describe my current relationship with Jenny, I described her as a friend, searching for the right words. My doctor asked me, if you had a friend who was knowingly and intentionally doing something that hurt(s) you, would you remain friends?  Fair point.  So, I don't know how to describe this rela...

Terrified of the Road Ahead   Venus and Mars surprised by Vulcan Currently, I am sitting in the parking lot at YTN, reading medical journals on PDAC. I am curious what the journals suggest an elevated CA-19-9 level (the cancer marker) might mean. Jenny's is stable at 2349 (normal reading is >37). Hers was under 1000 at diagnosis, and crashed as low as the 300s in initial treatment, before beginning its ascent in late October.  It more than doubled from 331.2 in early October to 792.4 at the next session. It dropped below 1000 a couple times since then, but the trend isn't encouraging.  Amongst the literature I perused, I found  this, "Rising CA 19-9 values mean the tumor is growing." That statement is too strong.  Other things can cause the number to go up, an obstructed biliary duct, for instance. The worry for me is of all the examples listed as reasons CA19-9 may be elevated, none were things Jenny has. I'm not a medical doctor, so I don't know what t...