kvetching up

Entry 1 In 2015, when Leiney first showed signs of depression, our world was rocked. The suffering she was going through was painful to watch and experience. I was just about that age when I went through my first bout of clinical depression, so I could feel her pain. At the time our kid fell ill, I was struck by how many tools Jenny had in her toolbox to help Leiney. She knew who to call to do intervention. We pulled together as a team to help Leiney, but Jenny, because of her profession and job, knew what to do, and who to call and got Leiney the professional services she needed. I remember spending days with Leiney, taking time off work and caring for her, snuggling with her on the couch, and watching television. We watched Deadpool on our big leather couch together--her first R-rated movie.  What strikes me about these memories is how hard Jenny and I worked as a team. I always was the one who stayed home with Leiney those many days she was too sick to go to school. There was a ...

 Entry 1     2.12.2022 Listening to The Velvet Underground alone. All alone. The dog walkers have come and taken my only company away. I sit in this cavernous room, thinking about what the changes that have taken place over the last two years have meant for me and my family. I thought I lived a mundane life, in an unhappy but not toxic middle class marriage with beloved children. I envisioned, at worst, that our children would finish high school, and if Jenny and I hadn't figured it out, we would be divorced. That is the truth. I went to work each day, spent the evenings with Jenny and the girls, and the nights with Leiney and Abby on occasion, and then almost all the time. Every excuse to leave was exercised by Jenny. I didn't look askance at any departure. This didn't mean I didn't love or don't love Jenny. But, people can change and grow apart or pull away. It's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea. But, this is no way to say goodbye. Abb...

Everybody knows that you love me baby Everybody knows that you really do Everybody knows that you've been faithful Oh, give or take a night or two Everybody knows you've been discreet But there were so many people you just h ad to meet Without your clothes Everybody knows -Leonard Cohen I am being consumed by this, swallowed whole.  I live this life, stuck and not wanting to get unstuck, because I know the only way that happens is when her cancer runs its course.  I think about two things every day, all the time, pancreatic cancer, and the betrayal.  I am convinced my vertigo is a direct result of the constant stress I have been under these last several months.  I don't feel strong enough to do this. But I don't have an alternative.   Jenny is upstairs on the phone with Big Sisters, laughing hysterically.  Earlier tonight a teacher friend dropped by and they had a good old time.  Jenny, not suffering from the chemo, is in high spirits.  Meanw...