kvetching up

 Entry 1      10:40 p.m. Long day.  Jenny woke up sad and in pain. She isn't supposed to have pain in her abdomen. That was the point of the procedure. At bedtime, having already taken 3 oxycodone, she was suffering so much she took 2 Dilaudid.  I hope it provides some relief. I optimistically suggested that the procedure may show results tomorrow. Let's hope. It takes every ounce of will for Jenny to move more than a few feet. Her energy level is no better than it was before she received the 2 units of blood a week ago. She wants to help me with things, but I won't let her for fear she may fall and injure herself. Tonight, as I was cleaning up from dinner, she left the couch to try and take Willow outside. She made it 8 feet maybe, before she almost collapsed. I don't want her to help, I don't want her getting injured, she is in enough pain as it is.  I got her back to the sectional and took the dogs out myself, and asked her to please not try that ag...

 Entry 1     5:43 a.m. Jenny woke me at midnight via text in horrible pain, so bad it broke through her regular meds.  This was the worst pain she has had, I can say. I got her Dilaudid, the drug she was told to take when the pain breaks through the oxycodone. Bringing her meds to her with water, she took the Dilaudid and then I laid with her. She writhed in agony. I rubbed her back and arm. She is so skinny I felt bones wherever I touched her.  She fell back asleep about 12:43 a.m. I quietly got up and retreated to my room, hopeful she would now sleep until morning.

Entry 1     11:00 a.m. Malaise .  The grass is long.  The grass has never been this long.  But I don't cut it.  I am not meeting simple tasks.  I can care for Jenny and the kids.   I can care for the puppy, its almost primal caring for another. I am writing it down here, but I don't want to talk about it, won't raise it as an issue.  I may raise it with my therapist, I may not. There comes a point in life where, assessing progress--weighing your contribution--you can look at the scales and see whether you have been a net addition to fixing the human condition, a net negative, or a blank.  Given the nature of the universe, this is just a vanity of life, with absolutely no meaning except for the living.  This idea should give me peace, given I feel stuck and dissatisfied professionally and personally, with no light at the end of the tunnel.  It doesn't. This creeping malaise feels more like being absorbed by The Blob at this...