kvetching up

Jenny had therapy with her cancer coach today.  As I have consistently noted, I find her coach to be a charlatan, but if Jenny finds solace there, its better than going to a faux shaman for gazillions and bajillions of dollars.  It is a lot of HR kind of positivity, which I hate--stuff that seems to come out of a refugee Hallmark card content creator cum morning/afternoon talk show producer.  That said, I won't argue with the way meeting with this person helps Jenny gaze forward to a possible future, rather than being stuck in the present morass or looking back in disappointment and anger.   Therapy was 12:30 to 1:30 today.  At 12:34, I get a text from Jenny, revealing that her cancer coach was found to have had the  BRCA  gene when she was diagnosed.   BRCA  is linked to ovarian, colon, breast and apparently pancreatic cancer. Jenny believes this changes everything with regard to her outlook.  I've read a couple of journal art...

Tuesday. Lots of writing here in this journal, overall. Very little introspection, interestingly.  Some people write to explore and expose their thinking.  I kvetch.  Today, I am crawling deep into the shallows of my brain. The truth is, I'm scared. Not simply scared of the cancer.  Nor am I simply scared of leaving--although truth be told I am scared of the idea of pulling up 30 year old roots and planting them down in a new planter-box with hope that my life will take root again and make sense.  I am not simply scared of losing Jenny forever. That has happened already, with her betrayal, her refusal to stop her betrayal as she is dying, and it will come again when she passes, and  yes, it simply scares me shitless. But this simple fear, this basic terror that wakes me in the night and keeps me from going back to sleep again is, I think, more existential.  Why do we do all this?  I mean all of it?   If it is true that nearly 50% of rela...