kvetching up

  I went to read the column Dear Wendy did on Jenny and saw they must have had a system crash as a lot of the responses originally up were missing, including my own response printed here.    Bereft and Crestfallen August 30, 2022, 1:13 pm Every comment on the original advice request, starting with Wendy’s was welcome, and not incorrect, even though the advice varied. No one was wrong. My wife died in March, and her behavior never got better. I did as Wendy suggested (advice remarkably close to that of my therapist) and let go of thinking of my spouse as my partner. It was difficult. We were together 31 years, married for 23, almost 24. I cared for her until she died. Over time I discovered many more bad acts, none worth discussing now that she has passed. Had I understood the cruelty better an/or sooner, cruelty that was often times intentional and sometimes not, but always lurking– I would have left well before diagnosis. She hate...

I was bored this evening. When bored I look at places I might travel. I looked at Christmas in Arosa, Switzerland, Paris, France, and Berlin, Germany. I could take my girls for 9 days in Berlin, stay st the downtown Berlin Holiday Inn Express for 640 bucks. Go search yourself. Given that there may be no natural gas in Germany come Winter, that their economy is stalling, and well, let's be honest, last time I was there their Nazis were feeling frisky, it doesn't seem like the safest of plans. Besides, I have zero vacation given my long weeks away from work. Someone asked me the other day how I was doing. I responded that it depends on the day. The day before yesterday I was relieved that this person who had so come to loathe me wasn't here to glower at me. Yesterday, I said, I missed her tenderness. I do today as well.  Being back at work brings some measure of normality, which is welcome. A routine, fixing problems, using my mind productively, all that js welcome. Still, ba...

I drove through Redmond for the first time since Omi and Jenny passed. All these backroads and byways Jenny and I traveled all through the years, full of meaning and memory. I am right now at the  Bonnie Raitt show at the Winery. Out with my sisters, forcing myself to get out somehow. This was the only way I managed to do it.  Mavis Staples opened. I can't enjoy it. Right now she is dedicating a sing to John Prine. All amazing stuff. Just unbelievably beautiful. I can't find any way to enjoy it. The ghosts are everywhere. The could have been, the never were, the never will bes blocking the horizon.  "They say Jesus brings you peace and grace, well he ain't found me yet."

I have taken a long break as I burned through 13 weeks of fmla and bereavement leave. The pain of loss isn't as raw. The feeling of shock at the betrayal--not so novel .  I am trying to channel my energy. I am attacking the blackberry bushes with a fervor that lasted two minutes before I tried to cut my finger off with hedge trimmers on Saturday.  A pole saw and brush cutter come tomorrow. Along with those items, the first installment of wood will be delivered for the hogwire fence Jeff is building at a cost far less than the 25k I was quoted by All City. Work begins in two days. My excitement surprises me. I can't wait to get back to it. In the meantime, I will tackle the yard, the dogs and the house.