kvetching up

Early mornings, the dogs nearby and content, music playing, alone with my thoughts, this is when the darkness comes. " Nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be so hard ," Aimee Mann sings through her nose, reminding me that I am woefully unprepared to be alone, and irretrievably broken to move forward. I spin in circles all the time.  Grief moves at its own pace . I am sad for so much. I grieve her passing. I grieve for my girls loss of their mother. I grieve for the relationship I thought was one thing, but was another. The loss of time I could have spent with someone that loved me, that better part of my life that I will never get back, these things I mourn as well. I of misspent youth, awho always blamed myself for her anger toward me, even though I knew it to be irrational at the time. I, who believed myself so smart, to realize I am the fool, who disguised himself from himself only by not wearing harlequin and a motley. We all build sandcastles against the tide o...

Why? I can't sleep. Therapy was today, well last night, given that it is now Wednesday morning.  It started out well enough, with the therapist taking our emotional temperature.  It's been two weeks since we met. "Everything is fine, "Jenny told her.  I generally concurred, and then promptly shat in the punchbowl. I reminded Jenny and informed the therapist that Jenny was very angry that I am not in the bed and not willing to give her the affection she wants.  Instead of me needing to go into explanation, the therapist took over.  She explained to Jenny that I have made it clear for months that I am not able to provide that.  I will care for her, but she is having an affair, and I am not okay with that, and have consciously uncoupled so that I could care for Jenny with less pain and hurt.  The therapist, I kid you not, suggested Jenny find two pillows and a wall and push her back against the wall while squeezing the pillows to simulate a hug. I think i...

Say it loud, say it clear You can listen as well as you hear It's too late when we die To admit we don't see eye to eye -from In The Living Years by Paul Carrack  Yesterday was actually quite nice, if I omit discovering that we were listening to the pinché motherfucker's playlist in Jenny's car.  It was obvious. Jenny isn't musically adventurous. Deep cuts from Aretha aren't something you happen upon.  It was aural assault, but I am a big boy, said nothing, and kept on keeping on. Jenny and I had breakfast with my sister Jane and her husband at Bluewater Bistro on Lake Washington.  It was pleasingly low key and nice. Jane has stepped up like no one else to show unmitigated love to Jenny.  She asks for nothing in return, and is always wanting and willing to help her, help the kids, and help me. She arranged the brunch.  She made it happen.   I spent the rest of the day working in the yard, and Jenny is feeling well enough that she cleaned out the ...

You can't write if you can't relate Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate And my time is a piece of wax falling on a termite That's choking on the splinters --from Loser by Beck I wanted to avoid madness.  The days have been so calm.  But it wasn't to be.  Monday evening was nothing special.  Just Jenny, Abby and me doing our evening routines. Jenny surfing Facebook and texting with the pinché motherfucker, Abby writing songs and playing her guitar in her room, and me my head in the clouds, thinking all was quiet on the western front.  It wasn't to be.  Jenny, sitting in a corner of the sectional, said to me, "I just want to warn you I think I'm going to have a breakdown."  I didn't move to comfort her, although she made it clear she was on the knife's edge.  I'm not sure why I didn't move to comfort her. No matter, I just didn't.   She began to cry, a deep inconsolable cry, tired of living with a terminal illne...

And I might be more a man  If I stopped this in its tracks And said come on, let's go home.  But she's got the wheel, And I've got nothing  Except what I have on --from Drivin' With The Brakes On by Del Amitri 9:40 a.m. Jenny made it clear that she has no intention of stopping her relationship with Eric  the pinché motherfucker, last night in therapy. It came about in an ancillary discussion.  I brought up that Jenny, despite spouting resolve  to fight her disease  over and again last night, has routinely threatened to stop chemo, as recently as last week.  I raised this point not to debunk her claim of resolve, but to tell her that I don't want her to tell me she is going to stop chemotherapy, should she make such a decision, because she can't get the affection she wants "and deserves" from me, or from  Eric  the pinché motherfucker.  I agreed that it is true she can stop chemotherapy for whatever reason she wants, but asked h...

Sacrifice Sacrifice .  Self-sacrifice to be more specific.  Its a mystery to me how one can be so oblivious.  This evening we had our regularly scheduled Tuesday tandem therapy. It was fascinating, start to finish.  The therapist, Shayla, asked how we were doing.  I was stewing, had been all day, because I was and am convinced Jenny has been seeing  Eric  the pinché motherfucker on the down low.     Jenny answered Shayla first, and said she thought things had been going pretty well, actually. I was hesitant to speak my mind.  In fact, I had been kicking around all day whether or not to remain silent, but my big mouth got the better of me.  I went on a soliloquy, not a jeremiad.  I said that I was unhappy, that I had believed that by telling  Eric  the pinché motherfucker's wife, Jenny would see the light, that something would change.  I noted that I realized now how ridiculous this idea was--magical thi...

Entry 1 Soooo, I have been in a hotel for 11 days. I am going with Abby to her sleep study tonight, and then tomorrow will begin staying for a month at an airbnb at 65th and 35th.  Jenny still refuses to stop seeing  Eric  the pinché motherfucker.  I finally realized this means she has chosen him over me.  I'm a bit thick at times, and more of an optimist/idealist than I realized. I have been coming home each day to care for Jenny, and will continue to do so. She is angry whenever I leave. I can't take her anger, the constant texting, the sneaking off and the overt time spent with el pinche rather than with the kids or me. The kids seem to be doing ok, they still see me every day and that will continue.  I apologized again to Leiney for moving out, and she assured me that she doesn't think this is my fault.  Abby is a cipher. Sadness comes in waves, sneaks in when I least expect it.  If home with the girls, sans Jenny, I am content.  Given th...