Vashon

Early mornings, the dogs nearby and content, music playing, alone with my thoughts, this is when the darkness comes. "Nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be so hard," Aimee Mann sings through her nose, reminding me that I am woefully unprepared to be alone, and irretrievably broken to move forward. I spin in circles all the time. 

Grief moves at its own pace . I am sad for so much. I grieve her passing. I grieve for my girls loss of their mother. I grieve for the relationship I thought was one thing, but was another. The loss of time I could have spent with someone that loved me, that better part of my life that I will never get back, these things I mourn as well. I of misspent youth, awho always blamed myself for her anger toward me, even though I knew it to be irrational at the time. I, who believed myself so smart, to realize I am the fool, who disguised himself from himself only by not wearing harlequin and a motley.

We all build sandcastles against the tide of time, and the flood comes for every edifice. Why fight the pull of the moon on the water?

Abby turns 18 on Monday. In her honor today we travel to some island. She decided NOT Vashon late last night--the plan as it had until then stood since Thursday.

After getting into Occidental, Hollins, the two SUNYs, Sarah Lawrence, Willamette, Mt. Holyoke, Reed College, and Wheaton, she now has to choose between Holyoke and Sarah Lawrence, each of which are offering her both academic scholarships. I am excited and nervous for her. It's a hard choice.

 

 

[side note: I accidentally went to Vashon.  Oops.]