kvetching up

Tomorrow is Leiney's 21st birthday. Family will be flocking to the house. Friday is the one year mark . These two events are so closely linked for Leiney it must be painful. For the rest of her life, it will pop up, an undesired painful reality of life's comings and goings. Leiney seems well adjusted, or reasonably so. Honestly, I have no clue how she is doing,it is just pure surmise. Other than the ham handed, how are you doing, I am failing to ask questions that really tell me more than just what she wants to surface.   Truth be told, I vacillate from being just fine thank you very much to abject despair.

 Entry 1     9:52 a.m. " The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression. "     -Proverbs 19:11 View from the master bedroom 10.26.2021 I have let go of my anger again, finally. I, like each of us, am a work in progress. It feels like a tremendous weight off of my shoulders, but I suspect the anger isn't too far away. I will just keep moving ahead one day at a time, and keep reminding myself that caring for oneself demands that I remember that this too shall pass.   Jenny and I spoke with one of the doctors on the care team today, Dr. B, about yesterday's visit to the ER. He said that the collapsed lungs are actually not that at all, but a totally normal occurrence when a person is sedated and laying flat for the CT. This is a relief beyond words.  Before knowing this, I managed to sleep pretty well last night. The dogs didn't wake me until 5:15, which I could be annoyed by, but instead am viewing...

 Entry 1   9:35 a.m. The rain is pouring. The dogs loved it. This is a change for Buddy, but the enthusiasm of his "little" sister, who prances, cavorts, wiggles, waggles, jumps and runs in the yard regardless of the weather, kept him out there with his tail wagging hard.  It is nice to have such levity. Bookends.  Jenny, my poor sweet wife, lamenting death last night, and begging for her diagnosis not to be real this morning.  Expressing dread about her upcoming scan, she told me she doesn't want to die, with the same plaintive voice she uses every time.  This is wrenching.  Two more days and we will see Dr. P., get the scan, discuss the pathology report, and have to decide how to move forward. I expect we will continue on this regimen.  Jenny is worried her cancer has grown or spread, or both. I have no idea.  I just know that her endurance, despite her best attempts to fight it, continues to wane. She continues to fight. She just said...