Days Passing Like Leaves Falling From October Trees

 Entry 1     9:52 a.m.

"The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression."

    -Proverbs 19:11

View from the master bedroom 10.26.2021

I have let go of my anger again, finally. I, like each of us, am a work in progress. It feels like a tremendous weight off of my shoulders, but I suspect the anger isn't too far away. I will just keep moving ahead one day at a time, and keep reminding myself that caring for oneself demands that I remember that this too shall pass.  

Jenny and I spoke with one of the doctors on the care team today, Dr. B, about yesterday's visit to the ER. He said that the collapsed lungs are actually not that at all, but a totally normal occurrence when a person is sedated and laying flat for the CT. This is a relief beyond words. 

Before knowing this, I managed to sleep pretty well last night. The dogs didn't wake me until 5:15, which I could be annoyed by, but instead am viewing as another gift of the day. I managed to get them back into their crates after letting them out to relieve themselves, which meant I had another 20 minutes or so to prepare for the morning. It also means I will probably fall asleep very early tonight, a bonus. 

Entry 2      12:30 p.m.

We have been to the ER quite often over the last 14 months. Tempus Fugit. Yesterday was the first time visiting the VM ER that I didn't bother to move the car from one of the 3 spots adjacent to the ER entrance. You are expected to move your car as soon as you can, but really, how would they know whose car belongs to whom? It really is a good sign that my anxiety has finally notched down to a manageable level. If I am being honest, when we left the emergency room I wasn't certain the car was going to be there. It isn't a tow-away zone, and there is no explicit time limit. So, I rolled the dice and fortune played in my favor. 

When did I become such a nebbish?  It reminds me of a time when I was down in Mason County during the first Gregoire gubernatorial campaign against Dino Rossi. I was at the courthouse as an election observer with John, our political director, who had ridden with me to the venue. When we finished observing the count for the day, we went to my car and found the battery had died. I didn't have AAA. John did. I convinced him to call AAA to get a jump. He was worried that it was fraud. Seriously. I told him AAA covers whatever car you are in.  The AAA tow truck guy was there fast, the county seat is tiny. John insisted on sitting in the driver seat and starting the car.  AAA tow truck guy charged up the battery, the car started. He couldn't drive it, as it was a stick. After the car was jumped, John was so worried that he insisted we wait 5 minutes before he would let us leave. After 2 minutes, I pulled out--annoyed to hell. He was worried the tow truck driver would see me driving. Hardly Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, we were.  I hope I haven't become that guy.

Jenny just texted, asking if we could skip therapy tonight, so she can go to dinner with friends. I responded I would rather not miss therapy, but that it was her call. In response, she tells me that she doesn't want to upset me, but that she is so scared of missing out on life, making this a hard call for her.  I then pointed out that I am part of her life, but also offered to meet alone with the joint therapist tonight, as we haven't done that in a year.  In response to the former, she said she wouldn't go. In response to the latter, she said she would contact the therapist and see what her thoughts were. If she is against it, Jenny will attend therapy. Everyone wins.  .  . 

Entry 3     4:56 p.m.

Jenny is miserable. The pain that sent us to the hospital yesterday has not abated. She was inconsolable during the afternoon, despite the good news about her lungs in the morning.  She is tired of the suffering. Tired of the interminable suffering. And, just plain tired. I was working, and tried to cheer her up, but it wasn't to be. At best, I got her her oxycodone and apple cider. Her clothes are practically hanging from her bones, as she has again dipped below 160.  Battling for her life, the everyday skirmishes are taxing. Food options have narrowed, for now. Her energy level is low. But she is hanging on. I think she feels it more as a curse than a blessing at times, or so it seemed evident today.

She has opted to stay home and do therapy, rather than go out. She made the choice, not simply because she feels debilitated, but being so made the choice easier to be sure. She had noted she won't even be able to eat if she goes.  It doesn't matter, because in any event, as I said earlier,  everyone wins.