Every Day, Darkness

Entry 1     10:00 a.m. 

Every day, darkness. Today I went to wake Jenny and found her sobbing, finally mourning for the loss of her mother and for her own impending death. She vacillates more between hope and despair, but the last few days, she has been despondent, telling me over and again she doesn't want to die--asking me what can be done to stop this. I have nothing to offer. She isn't really expecting me to give an answer, but she doesn't know who else to ask. The doctor, on Thursday, will he offer hope? If so, is it real?  Should she ask him directly, "Is this going to kill me?" We all know the answer, but hearing him say it, would it accomplish anything?

I wake everyday thinking about her cancer, thinking about how sick she is. I put on my pants. Find my shoes upstairs, by the front door, climb a second set of stairs and go let the dogs out of their crate, and then take them to the bathroom. Each morning I worry, sick and weak as she is, that she may get up and get to the dogs before I do. The concern, once legitimate, no longer is. It never happens anymore, she is too weak, too sick. 

On weekends, without fail, after feeding the dogs and taking them out to run a second time, I make her breakfast-today scrambled eggs, coffee, bacon and a croissant. Jenny, at 50, has started drinking coffee, it has eliminated her digestive issues for now.  It is weird to see, and nice to have the company after decades of drinking coffee alone in the morning.  

Heeeeeere's Willow!

Invisible Fence should arrive soon to help train the dogs.  We tested the system in the kitchen yesterday and it does work.  So, when we "go live" outside, with a bit of training, it should be okay.

Kaiser.  Fucking Kaiser. Ordered meds yesterday morning, and the order needed approval from my doctor. Never happened.  So, I logged on this morning and got a doctor to renew online this morning. Now, I have to head to Central after the dog training.  It'll be good to get out of the house.

Entry 2      2:59 p.m.

I reached out to Kaiser again, and this time got someone to fill my prescription, resulting in an afternoon trip to Central, with Jenny.  She stayed in the car, conserving her energy.  When finished, we went to Costco.  Jenny needed her glasses adjusted, and we got a few other things.  But she was too weak to go far, and sat down and rested for most of the time there.  I went to grab some single malt scotch, and when I came back, we went to check out.

As we waited to check out, there was woman at an adjacent checkstand sitting in an electric cart. Jenny,  seeing her, said to me, "from now on, I am going to have to use one of those carts when I shop," her forehead now resting on my shoulder as she sobbed quietly."

The invisible fence works marvelously.  It will take more training, but for 30 uninterrupted minutes this morning, Willow ran outside and did not leave the yard while avoiding the flagged area demarcating the electric fence.  The dogs played, frolicked, rolled around and generally were dogs inside its borders. Bliss. The Invisible Fence trainer will be back next week to continue the training.

Entry 3.   6:25 p.m.

I spent the afternoon doing chores. Ahhh, the glamour. Whenever I hear, read, or write the word glamour, I hear Bill Compton's refrain, "Sookie!" I can't help it. After unloading the stuff from the Costco run, and a brief break, I went out back and installed another camera and two additonal motion sensor equipped flood lights. I also chased Willow up the street--fucking invisible fence didn't work. She was pursuing two elderly people, getting close to them and barking and jumping several feet in the air. She would not come to me when I called her. She is huge,  50 lbs now. I think she is harmless, but would be scared shitless if she were charging me, jumping 3 feet in the air, and barking like Cujo's mother. She eventually skulked back to the yard, me following in my bare feet. 

After getting her in the house, I resumed my outdoor chores, which included the installation and cleanup and then scooping poop.

It didn't get more exciting. Finished with all that, I proceeded into the house. Jenny had left by this time, after resting all afternoon, she went to a wedding reception, she clearly didn't want me to go with her. I released the hounds from their crates, fed and watered them, cleaned the kitchen, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, washed the pots and pans and, exhausted, then took the dogs out to go to the bathroom. And now, here I sit in this cavernous living room, alone save for my dogs and ennui.

Tomorrow, Sunday, my sister and brother-in-law are coming for breakfast.  Jenny and Abby are going to the Mariners game, and won't have time, I was told today, to help with cleanup.  I'm just happy there is a thaw in the permafrost of their cold war.