I Like to Watch The Puddles Gather Rain

 Entry 1   9:35 a.m.

The rain is pouring. The dogs loved it. This is a change for Buddy, but the enthusiasm of his "little" sister, who prances, cavorts, wiggles, waggles, jumps and runs in the yard regardless of the weather, kept him out there with his tail wagging hard.  It is nice to have such levity.

Bookends.  Jenny, my poor sweet wife, lamenting death last night, and begging for her diagnosis not to be real this morning.  Expressing dread about her upcoming scan, she told me she doesn't want to die, with the same plaintive voice she uses every time.  This is wrenching. 

Two more days and we will see Dr. P., get the scan, discuss the pathology report, and have to decide how to move forward. I expect we will continue on this regimen.  Jenny is worried her cancer has grown or spread, or both. I have no idea.  I just know that her endurance, despite her best attempts to fight it, continues to wane. She continues to fight. She just said to me, "how easy it would be to give into the fatigue." But she is motivated, driven like almost no one I know.  

My plan, as it has been from the time of diagnosis, and despite everything, is to make sure she lives life to its fullest and enjoys what time she has left. And while I know, just like at the Kaiser pharmacy, no one knows when their number will be called, it is terrifyingly different when you know your number is definitely in the queue. 

Days go by. The seasons change, kids start school, leaves fall, the chill of winter dissipated by the spring rain, summer shadows short, and we still in the same place, fearing the death promised by pancreatic cancer. As sad and hurt as I am, I love this woman, and I am having trouble all this time later enduring the shadow that falls, everywhere I look, of the guillotine's cut. She is the organizing force of this family. The children who love me, cling to their mother the farther along this goes, and the more distant we have come from the shock of the affair.  It is as it should be, and I am glad they have not just returned to normal, but in some ways strengthened the bonds they have with her.  But, I feel lost.  Lost.

 Work has picked up so much that I am actually busy, almost all the time. Its a change after two years of COVID-19 slack.  Today I was in meetings from 8:30 a.m. until after 6:00 p.m. 

Abby and I are ordering in tonight. Jenny is in Bellingham with her sister seeing Leiney and our nieces who have an apartment there. I am so tired of all of this responsibility with Willow. I love her very much, but a 50 lb. dog at 6 months of age, and I am like a single parent much of the time. Either Jenny is gone or she is too sick to care for the dogs, much of the time. That said, Willow is my huckleberry.

Kaiser Is Ridiculous

Jenny received two notices today from Kaiser denying coverage for her most recent CT Scan. Kaiser has approved it every 8 weeks for a year, and then the one done 8 weeks ago was denied. Why?  There was no reason it couldn't have been done at Kaiser.  Uh huh.  Fuck Kaiser. Completely.

In other Kaiser news, several days ago I predicted that they would do the MRI, find nothing wrong other than age related wear and tear and  suggest physical therapy.  Today, that happened. PT is cheap, relative to any other options. I am certain my knee is not so injured that any surgery is needed--it is healing and no longer locks seven weeks later. But, I still have significant issues with it, and may or may not agree with the findings of the MRI. Either way, I am so disheartened and distrusting of this health care outfit that I cannot wait to switch coverage.