The Whole Of The Moon

 Entry 1    9:02 a.m.


I saw the rain dirty valley
You saw Brigadoon
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon

 -Mike Scott from "The Whole of the Moon."

Willow has taken to whimpering to be let out of her cage well before 6 the last several days.  So, I am awake well before 6. Dealing with dogs is generally a treat with one exception. I need coffee to function, so these early morning Willow risings are tough.  I generally try and let them out, take them outside, and then recrate them until 7.  That strategy worked when she was pulling this early rising a few weeks ago.  Now, it just leads to louder whimpering.  So, what do you call coffee deferred?  I call it a recipe for crankiness.

Jenny woke at 8:20 or just after.  She came down the stairs sobbing. Her friend

Patty, she made on an internet pancreatic cancer board a few months ago, and with whom she has been journeying, texted her to tell her that she has ascites.  These two talk all the time. Certainly more than Jenny and I talk. Last night we watched Ted Lasso together, and the two of them were, as they always are these days, texting incessantly.  

Everything is bad news in PDAC. Ascites, is no exception--The Significance of Ascites in Patients With Pancreatic Ductal Adenocarcinoma. It is indicative of a poor prognosis. 

This friend has been sick with PDAC 8 months longer than Jenny. Which puts her at almost 2 years. This turn is hard for Jenny because, well you can imagine how Jenny was happy to have someone who was surviving who is a friend.  Should this person pass, it will be the third friend made and lost with PDAC since this began. The first was sick for less than 6 months, the second 5-6 weeks.  The two died within the last 3 months.

Jenny, as anyone would be with a malignancy growing inside them, was in need for some reassurance. I walked her through the radiology findings, to show her the two new lesions found on her liver were necrotic, which is good news.

Entry 2      1:53 p.m.

You came like a comet
Blazing your trail
Too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon

I am alone, working. This is a common theme. Dogs are here.  --I know no more than what the meeting title says. I have an overlapping meeting at 2:30 with my boss, so may skip the service dog meeting--seems rude to skip out after 15 minutes.

I held Jenny this morning as she again pleaded to the faithless universe not to take away the life she thought she had before her.  It is taking her in pieces, but she is the toughest son-of-a-bitch I have known.  It took her hair, she has it back, as thick as ever.  She has cachexia, but she pushes on, gaining weight back. It has sapped her energy, but yesterday she walked through the Fremont Market and other shops with friends. Then did the same at the Ballard Locks. 

The intensity is higher, but the lust for life isn't new. She has always been far more social than me, and I have always been rather more retiring, although more so these days, and with greater regret I might add. I dare say that if I were sick, I can't imagine coming up with the will that she has mustered. But this is my depressed brain talking. I need out of this rut, and I am trying. I really am.





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