The Bed's Too Big Without You

 Entry 1     10:49 a.m.


“When a man, however passively, becomes an obstacle to the fulfillment of a woman's desires, he becomes an odious thing in her eyes, - or will, given time enough.” 

― Theodore Dreiser, Sister Carrie

Jenny's friend with PDAC is contemplating a second opinion, and sent Jenny her latest CT scan. Stephen King would quit writing novels after reviewing it.  That said, as Jenny and I walked through it, it allowed for a very explicit conversation about the limited nature of options that will follow, should the disease stay its course.  Jenny said to me that if she ever goes on hospice, she would volunteer for any experimental surgery that is out there.  While there isn't any such thing for a person with metastatic PDAC, which I pointed out, I also said that should something arise, the last person who would be considered is someone on hospice. You are so sick by then, you would not meet the rather important consideration of post-surgery survivability or treatment survivability. She looked crestfallen, so I said to her, that is why we have to keep looking now, so that you don't ever get to that place.  I look every day. It's like looking for evidence of voter fraud in Arizona.  

Jenny leaves today for an overnight with Moni to stay at the vacation condominium in Yakima.  I kid you not.  The husband  of Lin, who died a couple weeks ago from PDAC, will meet Jenny tomorrow for coffee.  

Entry 2.    8:10 p.m.

Therapy was interesting. It turns out that I don't really take care of Jenny. She has had to make her own breakfast a few times in the last week and her own dinners on Sunday and again last night.  Wow.  She is especially angry that I told her her water was boiling for her pasta and didn't put the pasta in the water.  Also,  nevermind that she said she was going to make herself dinner both nights.

It also turns out she is angry that I was upstairs working when she had the dizzy spell yesterday morning. Nevermind that I didn't know she was dizzy or going to fall, or that I was downstairs in an instant. Nevermind that she refused medical attention and then spent the afternoon volunteering to take kids home on Metro busses, and was just fine.

I am at my wits' end.   I told her calmly tonight that last week brought clarity for me with her cancer and with el pinché. I have foolishly let my guard down.  

She was just awful. Awful. Her narcissism was shining tonight like a burning beeswax candle, as she again blamed me for her affair. She said it is ironic that I am standing back, keeping my distance,  because that is why she had the affair.  I pointed out that this was complete bullshit, she made her choice, it wasn't me  forcing los encuentros aromosos con el pinché motherfucker. I pointed out that I didnt blame anyone but myself for the bad choices I have made.

It went on and on and was bonkorama.  The therapist kept redirecting Jenny, underscoring what I was saying, and challenging Jenny.  After Jenny said she wants me to sleep in the bed with her, and that I am punishing her, the therapist pointed out that the cost of maintaining the relationship with el pinché is not getting the intimacy she wants from me.  The therapist said, you made a choice to continue your relationship with el pinché. So, it isn't punishment but a natural outgrowth of her affair.  

Jenny said a lot of wild stuff. A lot.  I was on zoom on my phone or I would have taken notes, it was so unbelievable.

Jenny's omissions are always telling.  She said she was sad, and when asked why she was sad, among other things she noted that she was sad would be leaving all her friends and her kids. Ok.  El pinché is a "friend" so he has been captured in that claim.  But me, nope. 

I am tired.  Weary. She said I am angry at her and blame her for her cancer and for her affair. When asked why she says I blame her for her cancer, she gave a non-answer.  I don't blame her for her cancer, am not angry about it, in fact, that would be illogical and I have never even hinted at such an absurd idea. I do blame her for the affair. Period. Full stop.


Last week, in the heat of anger, I told her the legacy she is leaving is one she will not be proud of, with respect to how she is treating me.  I do believe that will hold true. The pretzel logic is impressive. For instance, she insisted tonight that she still isn't sure I am not currently having an affair. A few minutes later she  noted I almost  never leave the house, and when I do I insist on someone going with me, either she or one of the girls. She then expressed concern that I have no people to turn to when I am down.  Those of you trying to sort this out, stop. You can't. You just can't.

I am depressed. I can't really debate it. I am turning in ever narrowing circles. Writing helps sort it all out, but also, having it all down here to see, it does all seem  rather bleak. Who wouldn't be depressed at a time like this?  For fuck's sake, I sleep alone.


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