kvetching up

Entry 1 9:42 a.m. Let me first say that Jenny has, no matter who it is you ask, the best PDAC oncologist there is. Period.  He is like the little French chocolate, non-pariels, of doctors.  That said, yesterday was again a day of frustration for me. I have so much concern for what the doctor said to us, and so many questions.  To raise those issues with Dr. P., who comes off as Moses sans beard, holding his stone tablet decrees, and me down below worshiping a golden calf.   Jenny's CA 19-9 went up: The doctor said it went up just a bit, nothing really to worry about. Really, he said, your cancer is stable, "maybe a little worse."  But stable.  The CA 19-9 numbers are see-sawing, but the general trend is through the roof.  42845.1 U/ml as of yesterday. Baseline, 14 months ago, was 846 U/ml.  So, its 42k higher. Jenny, as is her way, won't look for another week or so, and I, of course, per her wishes, won't share the information with her. Jenny...

 Entry 1     5:41 a.m. Awake since 3, worried about tomorrow. The scan results. The CT results. The treatment plan moving forward. It will be a very long day. We don't see Picozzi until 2 or 2:30, which means chemo will start an hour later, we won't be home until 6 or 7.

 Entry 1   9:35 a.m. The rain is pouring. The dogs loved it. This is a change for Buddy, but the enthusiasm of his "little" sister, who prances, cavorts, wiggles, waggles, jumps and runs in the yard regardless of the weather, kept him out there with his tail wagging hard.  It is nice to have such levity. Bookends.  Jenny, my poor sweet wife, lamenting death last night, and begging for her diagnosis not to be real this morning.  Expressing dread about her upcoming scan, she told me she doesn't want to die, with the same plaintive voice she uses every time.  This is wrenching.  Two more days and we will see Dr. P., get the scan, discuss the pathology report, and have to decide how to move forward. I expect we will continue on this regimen.  Jenny is worried her cancer has grown or spread, or both. I have no idea.  I just know that her endurance, despite her best attempts to fight it, continues to wane. She continues to fight. She just said...

Entry 1     7:57 a.m. " She's So Many Women, He Can't Find The One Who Was His Friend" I'm going to a cardiologist next week.  Even absent an MI, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Heart problems run in the family.  Killed my uncle.  So, I now have a cardiologist.  Moving up in the world, also, just around the time I receive my AARP card.  Perfect. I am typing with one hand.  it isn't terrible.  It does allow for fewer typing errors.  I will make an appt. to get an MRI on my shoulder and back today. I feel like some old engine that's lost its driving wheel . Meanwhile, Leiney is working two jobs.  She went from camp counselor to door knocking for Amnesty this week.  12 hour days.  Outside,  Wrangling kids and engaging in political conversations. She is exhausted, but in heaven.