You Know Nothing, Jon Snow
Tuesday. Lots of writing here in this journal, overall. Very little introspection, interestingly. Some people write to explore and expose their thinking. I kvetch. Today, I am crawling deep into the shallows of my brain. The truth is, I'm scared. Not simply scared of the cancer. Nor am I simply scared of leaving--although truth be told I am scared of the idea of pulling up 30 year old roots and planting them down in a new planter-box with hope that my life will take root again and make sense. I am not simply scared of losing Jenny forever. That has happened already, with her betrayal, her refusal to stop her betrayal as she is dying, and it will come again when she passes, and yes, it simply scares me shitless. But this simple fear, this basic terror that wakes me in the night and keeps me from going back to sleep again is, I think, more existential. Why do we do all this? I mean all of it? If it is true that nearly 50% of rela...