kvetching up

The year of firsts is over. It was, less and more than I expected. Given that most of my friends who read this are women, more than1/2 of you, if coupled, will go through the year of firsts as well. I can't offer any advice, can't even identify what to do or what to avoid.  I am still lost. I still can't properly grieve, I don't know if I ever will. The rollercoaster that is loss had hidden twists and turns, unexpected hills and valleys. For me, I rode it all the way through illuminated by the fires of anger. The anger wasn't the Kubler-Ross anger over death, I made peace with Jenny's cancer when she was dying. For me, the fuel that stokes my rage keeps growing, and has everything to do with her behavior towards them and nothing to do with the affair (except for the ceaseless lying, gaslighting and the fact that she abandoned the children for el pinchè at EVERY opportunity).  Everytime I see my girls, I realize Jenny burned it all down, the world we built for th...

I'm dreaming of drinking whiskey and listening to Patsy Cline .  Friday can't come too soon. I need a break. One is coming Friday, when I head to the ocean with my sisters.  I am beyond ready.  The emotional roller coaster bullshit never ends.   Today, I was so sad for Jenny, who is suffering a lot with this malady.  After last night's ridiculous therapy session--which mostly entailed 45 minutes of complaining that I didn't cook her dinner the day before and me correcting the record constantly, and growing more annoyed by the minute, followed by an apology text so familiar I won't bother posting it here (it entailed the inferential blaming of me for her choice to have the affair)--I didn't have any expectations about how things would be today, because how could I?  I should note that again last night she tried to lie about the non-status of her relationship with Eric el pinché, and I shut that shit down.  She had nowhere to go, no counter to the ...