None Is So Blind

The year of firsts is over. It was, less and more than I expected. Given that most of my friends who read this are women, more than1/2 of you, if coupled, will go through the year of firsts as well. I can't offer any advice, can't even identify what to do or what to avoid. 

I am still lost. I still can't properly grieve, I don't know if I ever will. The rollercoaster that is loss had hidden twists and turns, unexpected hills and valleys. For me, I rode it all the way through illuminated by the fires of anger. The anger wasn't the Kubler-Ross anger over death, I made peace with Jenny's cancer when she was dying. For me, the fuel that stokes my rage keeps growing, and has everything to do with her behavior towards them and nothing to do with the affair (except for the ceaseless lying, gaslighting and the fact that she abandoned the children for el pinchè at EVERY opportunity). 

Everytime I see my girls, I realize Jenny burned it all down, the world we built for them. I can throw our money, my love, and my time at the wrecka ge as much as I like, and still the damage cannot be undone. 

Who the hell can be so blind as I have been? Who can have lived with someone so long, experience all the crazy behavior and mood swings, and not understand its not your fault, not your doing and then do something? Whether I could not recognize there was a major problem out of wilfull blindness, ignorance, a combination of both, or something entirely different doesn't matter. I failed my kids. Parents make mistakes, to be sure. But this failing feels much greater than the mere mundane.