"All the time wasted in high school and college on classes we will never use. Imagine if there was one on red flags and manipulation.That should have been a required class. We're just not taught any of this."

"It is absolutely crucial for survivors to find kinder ways to talk to yourselves, it is an essential part of healing. And no, you didn't allow this to happen. Allowing something to happen implies you gave it permission. At no point did you actually consent and sign up for somebody to do this much harm to you."

  -Dr. Ramani

I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't even understand there was anything wrong. I never asked Jenny to be mercurial. I never asked her to be overly-sensitive to the point that one had to walk on egg shells when she was about. I never asked for her simmering anger toward me. All true. But, knowing all of this, I did choose to have children with her. They also didn't choose any of the above. My choices were selfish and stupid, especially my decision to go to California, leaving the kids behind with her. Mind you, she hadn't directed the rage at the kids prior to my leaving, but once I was down there, who else did Jenny have there to yell at and punish for her unhappy life? To be sure, I noticed it after a few trips home from Riverside, this mother raging at her kids. Rather than discuss it with her, because that had never worked before, I tried to deflect and protect them when I was home. I tried to defend them, to deescalate, to change the subject. And so, for 48 hours each weekend they were spared, and I had to go back to Riverside, leaving them with her anger the other 5 days.

 

 


Comments

  1. CherylMarch 14, 2023 at 1:05 PM

    It’s easy to lay all manner of blame on yourself in hindsight. God knows I do it to myself. But at best it’s a fool’s errand. You can’t undo what has been done. You were not, are not, will never be a perfect parent. You did the best you could with the information and emotional wherewithal you had at the time.

    The best thing you can do for your girls is to forgive yourself for your failures - real and imagined. Regret is easy and keeps you tethered to a time that wasn’t healthy for any of you. You did the best you could. You are doing the best you can. You can never make up for the other parent, and you don’t have to.

    ReplyDelete

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