kvetching up

Abby leaves in 19 days . I am so excited for her, and certain I will be lonely without her.  This morning I weighed in at 173.2 (173 on 8/12, reflected in chart below). It feels like a dam is breaking. I am exhausted from this morning's workout, but it feels good to see results so quickly. Because I am bone on bone on my right knee and having significant pain, they put me on the special treadmill this morning. I am cranking up the angle I am running and cutting down on the speed, to see if that helps my knee. On any given workout, my knee pain gets to about 7 or 8. Monday I will be rowing. I have a great rowing machine in my home gym, so I am going to use it here as well. I am still discovering, every time I go to the gym, how much I let myself go since losing Jenny. Because I have a history of depression, at rehab I have to complete a questionnaire every few weeks. I write a lot here about life, but I am introspective-avoidant. This means that the answers to the questions are alm...

Since late May I have lost almost 11 lbs. That loss has accelerated since I began using the Freestyle Libre 2, the continuous glucose monitor. Like my old Fitbit, I am constantly checking my progress through the day, scanning the monitor dozens of times. The bad news is that my glucose levels are not good. For instance, this morning at 5:30 I ate a regular-sized bowl of pumpkin seed, flax and chia seed granola. I also had a peach.  I had already woken up with my blood level higher than I would like, which is common for people measuring their glucose levels. I didn't eat again until 2:00 p.m., because my levels were shit for the next 9 hours. Just before I ate a snack at 2,  my glucose level was 130. I ate a handful of lightly salted mixed nuts. It should have minimally impacted my sugars, but instead they cranked up over 150. Blood sugar should be below 120.  So, I stopped eating lunch. There is no way, given the propensity of my body to maintain high sugar levels, that I...

I went to my GP this morning and can truthfully attest I have lost 7.44 lbs . I wasn't trying. I mean, I have been eating more healthily and getting some exercise. I have to believe its a medication I am taking, Jardiance, that pushed most of  that spare tire off of my belly. I lost 4% of my body weight. I wasn't expecting to lose any. Not all people respond to Jardiance with weight loss.  I also got a couple of vaccines today. My second shingles vaccine and another COVID booster. With how much I have won in the genetic lottery, you can bet I needed another booster. I think its my third, but it could be my fourth. I dunno anymore. I wouldn't be so worried, but Leiney's Jared just flew to Idaho and came down with COVID two days later. Anyway, I got two shots, one in each arm, and it is a bit discomfiting, and uncomfortable, coupled with my sore shoulders. I'd say getting old sucks, but this is all on me, and I am doing something to make these things better, finally. ...

 Entry 1.    1:04 p.m. I was up with Frank into the wee small hours of the morning, when the whole wide world is fast asleep . I wasn't listening to that masterpiece, the first-ever concept album by the way (yes, the king of cool, ol' blue eyes invented that now dead construct), but to his first Christmas album. I bought it at Peaches🍑 Records, near my then home in the U-District. It was the day Jenny and I went on our first date, seeing The Act Theater's production of A Christmas Carol . I also bought Bummed Out Christmas, but that seemed too on point. Jenny threw up all of her stomach contents again this morning. She is having broth now, but I am fairly convinced, given she has thrown up every day for days on end, that this will not stay with her either.  She was out running errands, when she called to tell me. I am not kidding. She can't stand for more than a few seconds, nor walk more than a few feet without risking collapse, has no nutrition in her body, and i...

Entry 1       1:58 a.m. Out of as deep sleep, I am awake . Scan day sucks.

  Entry 1     5:16 p.m. Jenny weighs 148.1 lbs., she told me this morning. I took it well, in front of her. After a morning of excruciating pain, she went to fetch Leiney from Bellingham.  Rocked from her rapid weight loss, I went to Safeway. Ostensibly there to get cream cheese for some concoction Abby is making, I instead engaged in retail therapy, buying holiday signifiers like a poinsettia, a pie for tomorrow, vodka for the lavender drinks I will make, cardamom bitters, Lifesaver books, and so on and so forth. I cried while shopping. That hasn't happened for a time, like ever. Last night in tandem therapy Jenny expressed upset that I told her in last week's session that whether she stops seeing Eric or not is immaterial. I am not interested in rapprochement, in rebuilding. She is right, I did say that and have been saying it for 15 months. This is nothing new.  I didn't suddenly get angry or upset, instead I had an overwhelming sense of sadness at her s...

 Entry 1 10:07 a.m. I work all day, every day. It's how I make my money. I do the chores. Its what I do. What I don't do is take Jenny's behemoth for a walk each day, as she needs. I am up with her each morning, tending to her for several hours each morning, and then intermittently for the rest of my waking hours.  This morning, at 5:30, I stood on my stoop with a hot cup of coffee as the dogs, mostly Willow, cavorted through the yard, did their business and sniffed and snuffled everything in site for 15 minutes. It was her first frost . Buddy went back in after 5 minutes, as a good old man dog should. Willow, exploring her first frost, wasn't interested in returning. I let them out again, because in the morning they go out over and again, around 6. In between, I prepared their morning treats. This is daily. It allows me to get some peace for a very few minutes while I drink my coffee. This first treat is a dog bone in a puzzle. One for each. That took a very short time...

Entry 1      9:45 a.m. Moving Day Part Deux Off to Ravenna to meet the movers.

  Entry 1     8:54 a.m. Willow has learned to fly, or so she thinks.   Last night, as Jenny was laying on the sectional, Willow came around the corner, jumped and cleared the back of the couch. She pulled off a perfect four-point landing.  She literally stuck the landing. Unfortunately, by stuck I mean she landed on Jenny's chest where the needle from the chemo pump enters the port to her vein.  Jenny didn't see it coming. Neither of us did.  Jenny, after pushing off a clueless and cuddly behemoth (its like cuddling Wm. "Refrigerator" Perry as a toddler at this point), doubled over, more in fear than in pain.  But finding her port was secure, she wss still understandably shaken and also angry. She went to bed. This morning, she woke to find the chemotherapy drug FolFox leaked and leaking all over her clothes, and the needle completely out from the port. She bagged the pump and needle, and called Dr. P. The best laid plans, and all that. ...

  Entry 1     9:56 a.m. New scan, new plan.  This is the day . Jenny seems so relatively healthy, thus I don't have any prognostication.  Keep her, us, in your thoughts today.