Arise, Ye Prisoners Of Sleep Deprivation

Entry 1       1:58 a.m.

Out of as deep sleep, I am awake. Scan day sucks.

Entry 2       9:37 p.m.

Traffic was morning traffic. Uneventful arrival. Short-stay, the clinic where blood is drawn, was more nerve-wracking. Jenny's port must demonstrate blood return in order to use it.  So, they stick a needle with saline into the access point, flush it in and draw it back. If blood comes back on the return it is working.  No blood.  Lots of different attempts, but no blood.  They had her lean back.  No blood.  They had her turn her head to the left.  No blood.  They had her lean forward.  Nothing.  So, they pumped a thinner into the port, capped it off, and there it sits. They started an IV to do the blood draw.  The scan was next and uneventful. We now sit in the cafeteria eating breakfast. Next is Picozzi. 

Entry 3     11:40 a.m.

This chemo didn't work.

Holding your wife as she pleads with you not to die is a daily agony, punctuated when she learns her chemo is not working.

Gently telling your daughter that her mom's chemo isn't working must be punishment for past sins.

Listening to the nutritionist say Jenny's weight loss is an emergency. Can this day get any harder?

<--Weight chart since August 2020 through November 2021.

Blood transfusion tomorrow, should help with the energy.

Have to update the "Death with Dignity" consent form today. Or not. Never happened.  Next time.

Will meet with Picozzi again soon (in the coming days) to discuss new chemo regimen or clinical trial. 2 new trials at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.

Dr. B, palliative care doc: "With 4th line chemo we hope it slows the cancer, not reverse it. 4th line chemo comes with a lot more negatives. You want to know when it's time for a big [goodbye] party and not a slow decline. We are getting close to thinking about asking, 'where is that transition?'"

A bit of context: Jenny told Dr. B last year, when chemo is no longer working, but before she declined too much, she wants a goodbye party with all her friends. 

Entry 4     12:58 p.m.

Just got a call from a recruiter for a water district down near San Jose. $168k min.

Entry 5        3:08 p.m.

At the grocery store, in the lot. I can't really get myself functional. I shopped for the last hour, meandered really. I bought two 5 lb sweet potatoes.  Why?  Because I could.

Entry 6      3:11 p.m.

Pro tip: If you want to live in a multicultural, economically integrated  neighborhood, it is likely your Bartell's will suck. 

Entry 7     3:27 p.m.

I prefer waiting in line at the pharmacy to going home.  That is unexpected.

Entry 8    4:03 p.m.

I just had a calm and loving Abby sit with me as I told her that her mother's cancer is not responding to chemotherapy. She took it well, wearing her Dr. Pepper sweatshirt. Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?

Entry 9    4:51 p.m.

Vince's Restaurant is nearby. This ameliorates much of the shit day.

Entry 10     5:07 p.m.

27th sign I am a bit preoccupied.  I drank two 20 oz. tumblers of coffee between 6:40 and 7:30 a.m.  I had another 12 oz. at the hospital at about 9:30 a.m. About 5 minutes ago I used the bathroom for the first time since I had coffee, when I realized I hadn't gone all day.  The 🧠 is amazing.

Entry 11      5:24 p.m.

The numbers are not, unsurprisingly, good.  The CA 19-9 is over 132k, the cutoff for measurement. I will post the CEA chart in a separate post.


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