Tandem Therapy Tuesdays

I'd prefer Taco Tuesday to tandem therapy any day. This therapy sucked. We spoke openly about Jenny dying, that she will die sooner rather than later.  We talked about it for half an hour. I was sad, she was sad. It was somber. Bonding even. Then it changed.

Let me be clear.  It's been a year and some change. I have dealt with my feelings around Jenny's long running affair--the one she refused to stop--and made it clear that the purpose of therapy was not to fix this ramshackle jalopy we call a marriage, but to allow us to live together while she is sick. Not being the one with pancreatic cancer, I meant we wouldn't deal with it for the rest of her life. Fine.  I also made clear, while I would be able to do this, I would not countenance Sheila Capestany or Jennifer Murray at our home. Over time, I loosened up a bit about Jennifer. She would, when we lived in Ravenna, go hang out in the back yard with Jenny. I got some of my best information on the affair eavesdropping on them back there.  On a couple occasions Jennifer even came into the house while I was downstairs, and I knew and didn't object.  Yesterday Jennifer M. was here, I knew and didn't object.  I wasn't home, I just didn't want her there when I got home. She had to scurry away when I got home, Jenny not understanding my telling her I was in line at the store meant I would be home soon.

This is all background for the last half-hour of therapy.  Jenny wants Jennifer to come over when I am home. This isn't the Ravenna house, and I don't intend to be consigned to the basement or the upstairs because Jenny wants her over. Jenny claimed the reason she wants Jennifer over is to do chores. Note, Moni was here yesterday  or the day before cleaning. I clean everyday.  The house cleaner was here today for 5 hours. He had been coming every other week, and I have increased it to every week, because I can.  

Much of Jenny's meanness toward me has kind of melted as she has gotten sicker.  She did, however, manage to try a dig when she said "I am the only one having friends come over to help." Well, not true. But also, what does that even have to do with anything?

I will concede I don't have these crazy dedicated people that love me like she does--its almost a religious fervor for some, I swear.  I have friends, if you are reading this you know who you are, who love me and have offered me help and have helped and/or would help if I asked.  But we have a fucking army of Jenny friends. People flying in from New York.  People spending 1000s of dollars to buy her a bed, to get her custom made cannabis oil--requiring the creator to travel to Humboldt County himself to pick up the special ingredients. She has friends flying in from New York, two who were just her and will come back. A friend came in from Pennsylvania last spring and is returning in the new year. A friend was just here from Vancouver. Another rich friend who brought her handyman over to change our light bulbs in the impossible to reach chandelier, and who rescheduled her trip to London to be with Jenny at Christmas.  It goes on and on and on and on.  I don't have all that, but I know that my friends will be there for me when this disease runs its course. 

So, I was struck by that weird comment.  And then the claim that her inability to have Jennifer M. over on a whim with me here was somehow impeding her happiness--and I guess it is--misses the point. I made it clear, I don't want that woman around me. When asked by the therapist if I came home to find Jennifer in my house if I would ask her to leave, I said, absolutely, and without hesitation. I don't want her here. If I am not home, I don't care. Jenny's fear, I speculate, is that tomorrow Murray is coming over with Marianne.  If I were to come home and ask Murray to leave, both Jennifers would be met with a lot of questions from Marianne.  Marianne is el pinché's former side piece, now retired from teaching.  She doesn't know about Eric el pinché and Jenny (based on what Jenny has said), and I don't think Jenny would want her to know.  So, that is what got her wheels spinning.

Jenny, as only she can do, threatened to move out if she can't have Jennifer here whenever she wants, whether I am home or not.  I didn't get upset at that--but I was pissed that she thinks I should be okay with these people--it isn't like whenever a stressful situation arises that I don't expect that she will threaten to leave. She doesn't mean it, it's hollow and, well, whatever.  Jenny expressed she was upset because I won't let her explain to me Murray's role in this.  I said IDGAF. I don't need her to explain the pictures Jennifer took of el pinché and my wife at her home. She is upset I won't talk to Murray. Never Gonna Happen. Nor with Sheila. 

So, at the end of the day, I told Jenny I won't come home tomorrow until after 5--I am at the office. I will not, as she has requested, accept the idea that Jennifer needs to be here caring for her. Fuck that. Mark my words, I won't change my mind. My anger towards Jennifer and Sheila has not abated. I expect, because I can't, don't and won't direct it toward Jenny, it only inflames my extreme dislike of either of them. Sheila I hate more, to be clear.  If you go back and read her nonsense about me being abusive to her for calling her out for her behavior 15 months ago, where I never called her a name, never threatened her, but did tell her to sod off and made it clear she isn't welcome at any memorial service we may have--you'd understand how she earned my enmity. I posted the entire text exchange back in the day, and it is quite extraordinary.

 Insufferable. 

I am not angry unless I think about them, Sheila and Jennifer M.  Even now, I am quite placid. I have never felt more strong dislike toward anybody, even those who now and then fucked me over. I keep my dislike  in the box. It only comes out when Jenny is flexing, trying to shake off what she perceives to be a straitjacket, and me a barrier to keep out more insanity.

What will happen when Jenny is on hospice?  I don't want to see the pair, but I won't deny Jenny that solace if she needs it at that time.

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