Big City Turn Me Loose and Set Me Free

 Entry 1     10:24 p.m.

Processes and mechanisms associated with cancer-associated cachexia
Cachexia, also known as wasting disease, is a condition that is common among cancer patients, and is often what kills you before the cancer itself. I've written about it here before. Jenny weighed 147 lbs. last night, which seems to be a stable weight. She is so thin and gaunt it is incredible. But, sans chemo--its been four weeks, she seems more robust. She can't stand for long periods of time, she can't walk for very many feet without risking collapse, but she has stopped the freefall.  Her meds still haven't arrived from wherever they are being shipped from, and Christ only knows what the cancer is up to inside her body.  

Yesterday, a family friend brought over a treadmill for Jenny to use in her battle against cachexia. Cachexia weight loss eliminates lean muscle mass and the good fat in your body, rendering you weak and without energy reserves.  

Also yesterday, Jenny was taken by friends to see the PNW Nutcracker.  She didn't tell me, but I heard her tell her sister this morning, that they were helped by staff because she couldn't stand in the line. They let her inside to sit on a bench before going to her seat. If you haven't seen Jenny in a long time, I imagine it can be jarring. The rapidity of the weight loss has her skin hanging off her body in places, and she looks like she isn't very strong. She still has her piercing green eyes, but gone is the energy that she used to exude like water from a Harlem fire hydrant in July.  

A friend of mine, my only close friend remaining down in California, reached out to me the other night to tell me her husband of over 3 decades had just confessed a 15-year affair.  She has since kicked him out.. As expected, she is devastated. Instead of experiencing PTSD, I just wanted to make her not hurt like I did. My hurt isn't gone, just scabbed over while I deal with the immediate.  We are all suffering in our own way.

My friend in Wisconsin had her surgery the other day for breast cancer, and hopefully it went well. I have this image in my mind, having read her Caringbridge, of her children snuggled on either side of her the night after surgery, offering comfort.  Children bring such joy.
When I feel like I am the only one going through shit, I have lots of counterfactuals to play.  A dear friend who just sent me coffee, TYVM, nursed her cheating spouse back to health after a battle with cancer, only then to divorce him. I am not special, and my suffering is not unique. It helps to hold that close to me. Also, Paul, Ashley, Sara, Cheryl, Alice and others, know that I love you all and the support you have shown me through this ordeal has been and continues to be invaluable. Don't let my hermitage fool you, your love has made me able to shrug off the bullshit.

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