kvetching up

Entry 1 If you are a friend or family member, you likely know I have dug in. Deep. This sun is helping, as will daylight savings time, I expect. Seasonal Affective Disorder is real. I also think living in this house, with all the painful memories, and sleeping inches from where Jenny died, both make depression more likely. Not that there aren't a lot of wonderful memories here. Okay, not so many. Leiney essentially moved out three weeks after Jenny died, for the most part, and completely a few months later. Abby was here longer, but spent much of her time teenagering and then went off to college. We had nice times here, when she was present.  Which brings me to thinking of moving . Today, I met with a recruiter from PGE-Portland General Electric, they are looking for someone with extensive experience, to take the deputy role, and then to likely transition into the Director role. A ratepayer funded entity--the pay is fabulous and the work sounds interesting. The recruiter and I clic...

39 years ago today I graduated from high school . 5 days later my best friend since childhood died. He was gone in an instant. It was such a terrible loss for the world. A kinder and funnier person I can't say I've met.  Much love, Corey. I held Buddy yesterday on my lap in our living room as the vet came to put him down. He seemed so normal through the day. Outside, he ran and barked through the fence at who knows what? But his prostate was so large his urethra was pinched off causing him to emit urine like a double kinked hose lets water flow. This made it clear it had to be done. Leiney, Jared and Abby were here too. The vet was very kind. She explained the two step process of giving a sedative and letting it take effect, before administering the coup de grâce. The sedative took a very long time to work, such that Buddy had to get the full dose, which initially we didn't think would be necessary. Holding him as he drifted off slowly, the girls each gave him loving attent...

Entry 1 11:57 p.m. Every minute becomes exponentially harder for this family.  Jenny's shortness of breath and lack of energy is a mystery the oncologist can't crack. Jenny's love for el pinché will live on long after she is gone. The teenagers thinking its too hard to open the dishwasher door invariably put their dishes in the sink adjacent to the dishwasher. Buddy has cracked the code, and now walks through the invisible fence barrier with no hesitation. I have slept alone now for 16 months. The list of things, from petty to profound, that are taxing seems to grow like black mold on drywall after a flood. Jenny did come home with a walker. It is inexplicable why it took so long, when that was the only above board task they tackled while gone for 3 hours.  The walker store, hmmm.  30 minutes away at that time of day.  I'm pretty sure, given her lack of mobility and shortness of breath, she wasn't test driving dozens of walkers, and the line to buy durable medical e...

 Entry 1     8:42 a.m.  I am in my office. Many people around, all from my team, waiting for the staff meeting to start. I am excited to gtfo of here.  The commute took 45 minutes--I can do it in 10 on a Sunday.  I don't miss coming to the office. I am glad to see other human beings that I work with, IRL, however.  I showered, shaved and brushed my hair this morning, a chore I do less frequently at home since the advent of COVID-19 work from home mandates. I am surprised I could tame the wild shock of hair on my head given that the last time it was cut the leaves had not even started to change color, nor the night become so much longer that it was noticeable.  I am filled with a sense of dread today for what is coming. I looked at the horizon, filled with Seattle skyscrapers as I was driving in, and was struck by the indifference of the universe . Dansul Mortii, Guy Marchand, 1485. I think having our own danse macabre in the form of this canc...

Thanksgiving Bounty. 147 lbs.  Jenny dropped another lb. I was downstairs on the sectional, proud of myself for preparing the turkey and stuffing, and dealing with an elderly dog's digestive challenges--you really don't want to know--when I heard sniffling behind me. It was Jenny upset about her weight. Her cancer.  She is fearful this is her last Thanksgiving, she said.   Leiney was at the store getting herself a hot cocoa and me a latte. I thought it was so sweet that she was so insistent, until I heard the garage door open and went and saw her driving Jenny's car away. I can't begrudge her ulterior motives, bless her for getting me más cafe.   Jenny is in a better space now.  28 people are expected this afternoon.  There is much to do before Family card ♦️♠️ game. then, but I am soaking first. May you have a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by friends, family, and dogs (where applicable). 

Up at 5:00 a.m. with the muttlings. Let them out. Gave them treats when they came back inside. Cleaned the kitchen, made coffee, chopped the bread for  Thanksgiving stuffing, fed the dogs, checked on Abby and then Jenny. Then, I went to work. At work, I had  3 separate bargaining sessions. At 3:30, I switched the meeting to my phone from my computer and participated in bargaining for the next 2 hours and a half, as I drove to Bellingham in Friday night rush hour traffic.  Got Leiney, went to Haagens to shop for advent gifts, took Leiney to dinner. We got home about 9:00. I fetched the mail, let the dogs out again, stayed with Willow outside while she sniffed every square inch of the lower patio. Came in, said goodnight to the girls and Jenny then came upstairs. As I finished disrobing, the nightly pawing came at my door. Willow and Buddy visited for 10 minutes, until Willow, as per usual, left of her own volition. If the night follows form, I will escort him out in about...

 Entry 1    4:39 p.m.  The 🐕 🐶 🐶 🐩 🐺 🦊 , pack animals that live with us, have decided not to let me sleep.  Bless their hearts.  That said, the joy my days are filled with, and they are, is because of the dogs and the kids. So, I will pay my dues, sacrifice sleep for happiness. We planned to pack today. We had a late start, Jenny's energy level has crashed the last few days. I made breakfast for the family, after Jenny and I got boxes around 11ish, and then packed a box and cleaned the kitchen.  Jenny just couldn't move.  We finally got downstairs, and her energy didn't pick up. At one point I turned to find her curled into a ball from exhaustion.  So, I packed a couple boxes downstairs and she did too.  But that was it. The kids have been little help, although Abby is far ahead of Leiney in packing her room.

Entry 1     9:47 a.m. Buddy just hurt Willow . They had been playing as usual.  Occasionally he gets grumpy.  He clearly doesn't like that he is sharing his territory.   The two of them were rolling around, wrestling by my feet, when she started whelping.  I looked over to see he had her pinned to the floor and was biting her lip.  I tried to pry him off of her, he had hold of her lip and wouldn't let go.  It wasn't overzealous playing, it was intentional.  He gets pissy sometimes when they are playing. She can be super annoying, pulling his tail, biting his ears with her sharp baby teeth.  But this was an order of magnitude more aggressive than Buddy's usual growl, nudge or nip.  When I couldn't get him to release her by pulling on him and yelling let go, I hit him for the first time ever, then stuck my hand in his mouth, which was still gripped tighty around her lip, pulled and yelled.  He released her then, and I c...

Entry 1     9:10 a.m. “Feminism isn’t about making women strong. Women are already strong. It’s about changing the way the world perceives that strength.” —  G.D. Anderson   Hell to Pay Buddy has met his match in now 8 week old Willow Ruby Ida Miller Gamache.  She will weigh as much as him, likely in the next two weeks, and then forget it.   I love him, don't get me wrong, but he's a dick.  He is mean to her, and constantly tries to dominate.  Chest bumping, biting her throat, just generally asshole behavior.  Meanwhile, she frolicks, worships him, and tries to do everything he can, all while having paws three times too big for her body.  The reign of terror won't last, and we saw a bit of that last night.  We gave each of the dogs a new rawhide-like safe bone to chew.  She is incredibly mouthy, but has the attention span of a baby, so hers was barely touched during the day.  He, on the other hand, took his bone, jum...