Why Can't You See This Boat Is Sinking

Why?

I can't sleep. Therapy was today, well last night, given that it is now Wednesday morning.  It started out well enough, with the therapist taking our emotional temperature.  It's been two weeks since we met. "Everything is fine, "Jenny told her. I generally concurred, and then promptly shat in the punchbowl. I reminded

Jenny and informed the therapist that Jenny was very angry that I am not in the bed and not willing to give her the affection she wants.  Instead of me needing to go into explanation, the therapist took over.  She explained to Jenny that I have made it clear for months that I am not able to provide that.  I will care for her, but she is having an affair, and I am not okay with that, and have consciously uncoupled so that I could care for Jenny with less pain and hurt.  The therapist, I kid you not, suggested Jenny find two pillows and a wall and push her back against the wall while squeezing the pillows to simulate a hug. I think its all bullshit, she has never stopped seeing el pinché. She just wants control over me completely.

I did cop to being angry when Jenny went to IHOP with Eric the pinché motherfucker, noting that I never said I wouldn't be angry about her seeing her lover, just that I wouldn't stand in the way.  Jenny was incredulous that I would have the temerity to be upset.  The therapist patiently explained to Jenny that I have the right to my emotions, and that me being mad when she is out carrying on with someone else is normal, rational.

Jenny then volunteered that I don't want her to be happy.  I am angry all the time. I am mad when she goes out with Eric el pinché motherfucker, and mad when she sees her friends.  As evidence she offered that I told el pinche's wife Kandance about the affair to prevent them from seeing one another.  

Before the therapist intervened, I explained to Jenny that I told Kandace because I felt I had to, but that I have not since been in contact with her, and that nothing is preventing her from seeing Eric el pinché motherfucker. He could see her anytime he wants. He is choosing not to do so. He has a wife, she explained. I noted, that hasn't stopped you. Its hard giving up your wife for a woman with terminal cancer, she said. I noted that 9 months ago, before the diagnosis he'd been seeing her for 3 years (she didn't argue about the length of time) and hadn't left his wife.  I repeated that Eric el pinché motherfucker could see her anytime he likes, and if she has concerns about the amount she sees him, that's on him, not me.  The therapist nodded in assent with everything I said. I could get used to that.  

When I was done, the therapist asked Jenny for examples to support her claim that I don't want her to be happy. She offered the  Eric el pinché motherfucker IHOP date, when I was quiet when she got home, and went out for a walk rather than sup with her as she expected me to do. I was pissed on IHOP day, but I was not being a dick, I was just mad, hurt. I didn't discuss it, and mostly spoke in a clipped manner that day. The therapist again patiently explained that being upset about an affair is rational, and being angry in response to an affair is rational, and not evidence that I don't want her to be happy.  Jenny then said I am angry whenever she is out with friends. If true, that would suck. She is out with friends more than she is home some days, most days, actually. The therapist asked how she could tell I was upset.  Jenny said I get really quiet when I am angry, and sometimes when she comes home from seeing friends I am quiet and therefore am angry. Also, the other day she had been out all day and asked me to bring her a can of water, and I was annoyed.  The therapist asked if I had told her I was upset she was seeing her friends.  No, I hadn't, Jenny admitted. What followed from the therapist was an explanation that we often tell ourselves stories about people that are wrong, and that what Jenny was saying to her is a direct contradiction of what she has stated in the  past, which is I am very concerned for her happiness.  Chalk up another one for the therapist, I am not angry about Jenny seeing her friends. I am sad she isn't spending as much time with the kids as I would hope (really, not any unless she is debilitated and stuck at home), but I had given up trying to discuss that with Jenny months ago.  I have accepted it as something I can't change.  

In therapy I rejected out of hand the claim about me being upset about her seeing her friends, explained that she is out with friends all the time, and its never an issue. I acknowledged its what feeds her, sustains her.  I did admit that I had been annoyed when she had asked for a can of water when she was sitting on the couch one evening, because she had been out all day seeing a variety of friends--probably el pinché among them.  All day. She then arrives home and expects me to wait on her, or so it felt.  I had been working all day. I did bring her the water, btw. The therapist said, "Sometimes people sigh. Sometimes they get frustrated.  It's a them problem, not a you problem." She explained frustration wasn't demonstrative that I don't want her to see friends. She may be a keeper.

Finally, I explained to Jenny that I do want her to be happy, and am striving to do so. It's why I am here, to take care of her as she fights this terminal illness with all she's (we've) got. Its why I am planting the garden, fixing up the backyard, so she can be back there with her friends who come to visit. Its pretty much why I do everything I do for her. I want her days to be as happy as can be.  I have explicitly told her I am compartmentalizing as best I can, all the issues around the affair, so I can dedicate myself to a single mission--that of making sure her last days are as full of joy as they can be. I reiterated this last night, and Jenny said, "I don't deserve you."  That was the kindest thing she has said to me in therapy or out of therapy in longer than I care to remember.  

The therapist at some point during the session, after asking how we are doing, asked how our relationship was.  Jenny said its confusing because she doesn't know what she wants.  I agreed, it's confusing.  What I didn't say is that I know that if she recovers she plans to be with Eric el pinché motherfucker. I've seen it written down every week for 9 months in her vision memos to her therapist, and the more she writes it down, the starker it gets.  Where she once envisioned us co-parenting, her Tuesday memo has me off in California.  What hasn't changed in her vision of the future is that she is with Eric, although now more clearly without him bringing the baggage of a wife into the scenario.  Why lie to the therapist and me? I don't understand. And still I am sad for her, sad for the state in which she finds herself.

I learned tonight that a close group of friends we have had for many years have been led to believe that I was living in a hotel in February because I needed a break, and only returned after being admonished by Jenny's sisters.  In fact, I wasn't in a hotel, if you recall, but in an apartment, and ran down the hill to prevent her from committing suicide, and stayed to protect her from herself and to keep the kids from having to deal with that.  So, while I labor in the vineyards to keep her happy, to make the days fighting this terminal illness more bearable, she besmirches my name to people I have known, some longer than she has.  This is hurtful and perplexing.  Actually, I am no longer perplexed. She wants people to think I'm shit, to what end I do not know, but in our 30th year together, I would have expected more. Some people reading this might think that I am painting Jenny in a bad light, my actions somehow equivalent to hers.  The truth is, I am describing what actually happened, not lying. My intent isn't to paint her in a bad light, I hope one  reading this content would conclude that her actions these last 9 months have not been great.  Even so, I believe that somewhere deep within, the kind and generous heart I fell in love with so many years ago still beats.  

Absolutely Clear

 Don't surrender your loneliness

So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human

Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,

My voice
So tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear


Shams al-Din Hafiz Shirazi
-14th Century Persian poet

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