Dear Wendy F/U

 

I went to read the column Dear Wendy did on Jenny and saw they must have had a system crash as a lot of the responses originally up were missing, including my own response printed here. 

 

Bereft and Crestfallen August 30, 2022, 1:13 pm

Every comment on the original advice request, starting with Wendy’s was welcome, and not incorrect, even though the advice varied. No one was wrong.

My wife died in March, and her behavior never got better. I did as Wendy suggested (advice remarkably close to that of my therapist) and let go of thinking of my spouse as my partner. It was difficult. We were together 31 years, married for 23, almost 24. I cared for her until she died.

Over time I discovered many more bad acts, none worth discussing now that she has passed. Had I understood the cruelty better an/or sooner, cruelty that was often times intentional and sometimes not, but always lurking– I would have left well before diagnosis. She hated me. She actually failed to delete a text that said she would leave me, but she needed my money and care. But, as is the case, I lied to myself, and only pulled the veil away when I discovered the scale of duplicity and disdain she held toward me. I now doubt that she was ever faithful. Ever. She was both careful, and I was clueless.

The kids knew almost immediately she was having an affair–with their k-8 gym teacher btw. One kid learned of it when she overheard us arguing about it.The other saw her mom texting about the affair and confronted her. This was early in the diagnosis. What I tell everyone with whom I discuss this tragedy with is, all the mess I went through was tolerable. What she did to the kids, which was to place them lower on the totem pole than even me throughout the ordeal, was unforgivable. My eldest confronted her at least 3x with me present over the 19 months of the illness (stage IV pancreatic cancer), begging her mom to spend time with her and her sister, imploring her to put them in front of her lover and friends. (We learned later that the friends were really transportation to or cover for seeing him.) She wouldn’t. She didn’t. Unless recovering from chemotherapy and unable to leave, she spent no time with them. It was a big change from the doting mother she had been up until they were preteens, but not much of a change since she started having the affair. I essentially had been raising them on my own for 5 years–yes I learned the affair was at least 5 years not the three I believed when I wrote the original message. Once they didn’t worship her as the all-knowing mother, she abruptly stopped hanging out with them. My youngest literally never had any one-on-one time with my wife over the last 5 years of her life, except when she would practice for the driving exam or when being taken to the dentist or doctor.
So, I blame my own myopia for not understanding these drastic changes, or denying them to myself until I could no longer do so.

I spent every minute I could (and still do) all of my parenting years with the kids and they are doing okay. I am ruefully aware of my failures, and have protected my kids as best I could.

I stayed. She was awful to us until the end. On Christmas Even when she could barely walk, and high on oxy, she insisted on driving to see a friend. I was out doing last minute shopping. When she died, I read through her phone and learned she chose to spend that day with her lover rather than the kids. She chose to put people’s lives at risk, rather than listen to me. (I had tried to get the doctors to tell her not to drive, they wouldn’t. They waited until she was on even more drugs and then offered, after I expressed grave concern again, that she would be able to drive if someone was willing to ride with her around the block and thought she was ok. I reached out to all her friends, even the flying monkeys who helped her cheat, and said, “Don’t do it,” and no one did.) She died about 6-7 weeks after she stopped driving.

The hardest part, besides losing her, was speaking at the memorial, where a crowd of hundreds came to lionize her. I focused on her professional life, and said almost nary a word about her being a mother or partner. She was amazing in the work she did. She helped thousands live better lives over her 28 year career. Her public persona did not match her private persona. Only her family, my family, my kids and I knew this.

Coming to grips with the fact that I was living in an emotionally abusive relationship for a few decades, well, that’s another post for another day. None is so blind as he who will not see.

When I first read the responses to the original post, I was deep in it. It was all a bit too raw. But the answers given here by the Dear Wendy readers were remarkably thoughtful, and helpful. I just wish I could have appreciated them as much as I do today, having reread them now.