Oh! Sweet Nuthin'

 Entry 1     2.12.2022

Listening to The Velvet Underground alone. All alone. The dog walkers have come and taken my only company away. I sit in this cavernous room, thinking about what the changes that have taken place over the last two years have meant for me and my family. I thought I lived a mundane life, in an unhappy but not toxic middle class marriage with beloved children. I envisioned, at worst, that our children would finish high school, and if Jenny and I hadn't figured it out, we would be divorced. That is the truth. I went to work each day, spent the evenings with Jenny and the girls, and the nights with Leiney and Abby on occasion, and then almost all the time. Every excuse to leave was exercised by Jenny. I didn't look askance at any departure.

This didn't mean I didn't love or don't love Jenny. But, people can change and grow apart or pull away. It's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea. But, this is no way to say goodbye.

Abby, Leiney and the basset hounds, Mattie (foreground) and Jasper.

I am carrying deep pain. It isn't a struggle to keep it locked up. I have been doing it for decades and more intensely the last 18 months. This is a well worn path, I am not trailblazing, just trying to keep the wolves at bay.

I am trying to recalibrate, focus more intently on the kids than I have. I am their emotional buoy, and am trying to do more to help get them the future they deserve.

Jenny is hallucinating again. It isn't as severe, but it's there and worrisome. We added a new medicine to help stop vomiting of food, lorazepam. It is working, and she is gaining weight, but the hallucinations have ramped up with the introduction of a benzodiazepine. 

She is having minor delusions and visual hallucinations. Last night, watching Olympics hockey, she told us she had been playing hockey just a couple nights ago. When Kim was saying goodnight to her last night, she reports that Jenny saw a brick wall in the corner of the room.  There are more hallucinations. I am hoping it doesn't continue.

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