Homeward Bound


Entry 2.  10:03 p.m.

Discharge was rapid. Prior to the hospital the girls and I went to the mall. Abby spent 15 dollars on jeans, and then we spent $300 on books. Retail therapy. I needed that. We needed that. I found out Leiney hasn't really slept in three days. I just gave her a tincture of THC and CBD. Hopefully, she gets the rest she needs and will need for the hard hours to come. I pray if this malady comes at me I can make different choices, but I am no less human than the beloved person laying next to me. She isn't a coward. She just isn't ready to leave. I'm not ready for her to be gone. I don't know, despite all the sturm und drang, how I will feel like I belong in a world without her in it. She may not be my true north, but she was my Thomas Guide, helping me get to point a to point b, even if she failed to warn me of the detours my life with her would take.

She has never apologized to Abby. I am crying quietly next to Jenny as I write this. It will never happen. It can't. It's too late. Today, her incoherence was such that I doubt her faculties will ever come back.

Entry 1     3:21 p.m.

We are leaving hospital in a few minutes, discharged earlier than expected.  Jenny begins hospice tonight. I expect the end will come quickly. She had another transfusion, one for the road. The kids are sitting by her bedside, I am prone on the rollaway, too tired to think or even breathe.

The Jenny I loved, cared for, who astonished me with her loving nature and kindness, who raised two amazing daughters, who ultimately disappointed me so deeply, is alive, but for little more time.

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