I Look For The Light Through The Pourin' Rain

Entry 1    7:26 a.m.

I am up early every morning again. I had let that go for a while. I enjoy the quiet and dark. I am sad this morning, looking for the last remnant of my resolve, which feels like it may drift away at any time.

Youtube videos stream in the background now on random. "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" is on, reminding me of my child self. I am certain it is one of the first songs I memorized, sitting next to a record player in my room. I spent a great deal of time alone, as a sickly kid. It may be why it brings me such comfort to be up and alone in this empty room, legs stretched on the oversized ottoman, happy that the dogs remain quiescent.

Now it's Mike and the Mechanics, "In the Living Years." I never fixed this with Jenny. It feels so terrible to know it will remain unresolved for eternity. 

We both, at some point, wanted simply to be loved by the other. Through  a series of minor disagreements that became simmering resentments, this love affair foundered and became an unspoken Bataan death march, each of us determined to finish rearing our beloved children before opting out. That is the narrative in my mind's eye. But that is the edited for television version. It omits the years of anger and rage leveled at me for not making enough money or otherwise living up to expectations. It ignores her expectation and demands and my obeisance. It ignores my failure to be an attentive husband. It ignores my rushing upstairs when I would come home from the office, running like a wet cat from a blow dryer to play with Leiney-in a vain attempt to avoid Jenny's daily wrath. It ignores her agreeing to move to California, and then refusing, and spending a year preparing the children to hate it. It ignores her affair with Jason. It ignores her admission and then consistent gaslighting denial she ever had an affair. It ignores her refusal to work when she finally came down to Cali with the kids. It ignores the fact she is now is the start of the fifth year of an affair she refuses to stop.

Which reminds me. I told a story a few days ago about Jenny's friend Heather asking me to allow Sheila and Eric to come to the house, and my abject rejection of that request. I noted her condescending tone in response. Well, Moni divulged last night that Heather has since reached out to both of them to try and I don't know what, talk to me about it.  Moni said that both she and Chris said to go pound sand. Now, I have to call Heather on her shit. The chutzpah.

So, as I sit here mourning the impending loss of my dearest friend of so many decades, I clearly see the asymmetrical relationship we lived, that is so clear in retrospect (with lots of therapy), but which was impossible to see at the time. I love her with the fierceness of a lion, and always will. For all of this reflection, it is true Jenny has made more positive and consistent change in the world than I ever have or will, has a greater love of humanity than I ever could. I love her for that, for the tenderness in our relationship, for her myriad kindnesses to me and the children. For so many things. I would trade my life today to keep her here for the sake of our children, to assuage her terror of the void.


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