Heart Attack and Vine

I woke up at 3 a.m. to the sound of sirens in the far distance. On the other side of the fence line, a coyote repeatedly howled back an answer. The schmucks are snug in a den in the blackberry bushes. Willow thought about going out, but didn't fight it when I rejected her ask. I stand either quite near her outside or at the window when she goes out at night, depending on the perceived proximity of the little jerks. Most nights I go with her. Most nights since the coyotes came, and only when she knows they are around, she asks me and waits for me to come with her. She is no dummy. She could eat one or two coyotes, she is huge and built for war, but I don't want that to ever have to be tested.

Most of the preliminary stuff is done. On Saturday I have an early morning ultrasound of my heart, just for kicks I suppose. I wonder if that will give them enough information to just say fuck it, we are cutting him open. 

I've talked to two ppl who have had open heart surgery in the last day. Last night, an old friend of mine, R, who just got out of a SNF after 6 months, told me that he suffered 5 strokes while under the knife and is now blind in one eye, and has 30 percent vision in the other. He had to learn to walk again, and will never be okay  I suspect his cheeriness was a combination of mettle, drugs, and the strokes themselves because he was far too jolly given his situation. 

The second person I spoke with was a coworker whose husband had this done. She pointed out that, should I have the surgery, they will place me on a heart and lung machine. That made my heart skip a beat, and was no assistance in my quest for information to make me breathe more easily. 

I'd be maudlin, but I believe I have been blessed in so many ways in this life. Our daughters, my daughters now I suppose, are wonderful, brilliant and kind individuals who have made the world a better place just by being in it, let alone because of the thoughtfulness, brilliance and kindness they have shown. 

So, with no choice I throw caution to the wind, because being cautious can get you killed when you are dealing with stenosis and plaque in your arteries. 

 In the last year I have severely curtailed the number of people with whom I am in contact. It is the primary reason I expect I will have to stay in a SNF if I have to have assistance in recovery. I don't want my kids or sisters to have to do this, especially if I have to use a bed pan. I have no idea if that is standard, or unusual that you have bed rest for a lengthy period of time.