kvetching up

Entry 1     3:14 a.m. She stopped eating food a few days ago. She no longer drinks water. I moisten her mouth with bits of water soaked sponges mounted on lollipop sticks. She isn't awake much. Her eyes widened and lips curled up in a smile as she said, "husband," about 12 hours ago, lit up like she won the lottery. I had given up hope of seeing that emotion toward me again, or of hearing her call me by any appellation, let alone husband. My heart sung .  Then back to incoherence where she had been for half a day before, and where she returned and remains after that single utterance. Her pain is expressed in groans and grunts.  The death rattle breathing began in earnest a few hours ago and is apace. She isn't simply gaunt, she looks like a tent knocked down by a winter storm, her cheeks hollow, her temples sunken, her mouth agape. She weighs so little she is skeletal. The jaundice is off the charts-- her skin colored like she spent a few days in Acapulco in a single...

 Entry 1    4:14 a.m. I have slept 3 hours in the last 45. I haven't slept a wink since 6:30 a.m. yesterday. Every lengthy pause on breathing fills me with dread. The empty silence portends my future. It's Leiney's 🎂🎉 birthday 🎉🍰, so of course I am convinced Jenny will pass away today. The doctor says not likely, given her strong heart.  She has stopped eating. She is prescribed liquid  morphine and lorazepam, q4. I am fearful right now, as her breaths get farther and farther apart.  I met a Jenny in 1986, started dating her in 1990, coupled off in 1991, and married in 1998. When I lose her, I will lose a piece of me. The kids will lose the woman who birthed them. We will be a family still. I will be a widower. A widower. I will try again and sleep. I am tired. But I am a bundle of nerves. Raclette may be on the menu tonight. Leiney has asked for it. We shall see.

  My night is a relief . It was a busy day. It is a hard day, even now. Jenny didn't recognize or remember me early in the day.  We switched to liquid morphine, and her ludicity had a mild uptake. She knew me, knew my name, and knew that I was her husband.  That was a bright spot, fwiw.   I laid next to her on her hospital bed for an hour, holding her hand and singing love songs of Billy Bragg--songs we listened to when we were first dating. The lyrics function on Google was invaluable. Her eyelids were either closed or at half mast, she wasn't home.  It left me feeling better, this close contact, even while mourning what we have lost, what we are losing. Tonight, Abby's phone malfunctioned. I dropped everything and took her first to T-Mobile and then to the Apple Store, where the problem was solved. No stressors for her right now, I can't let it happen.

Entry 2 ⛔  She doesn't know me. Consistently. Today, I am Fred McGillicuddy. This is painful to watch. Worse, everytime she wakes up she asks if she has pancreatic cancer and is devastated when told it wasn't just a dream. "Am I really dying?" Entry 1.    7:42 a.m. Was  It Was All A Lie. Am I an abject idiot? An unalloyed dolt? A perfect specimen of stupidity? Yes. Yes. Yes. As the tanks are rolling into Ukraine, I am dealing with the far less earth shaking discovery that Jenny was telling friends she didn't love me, that I didn't take care of her, that el pinché is her true love and that she was only staying with me because she needed me to care for her and because she needed my medical insurance. As I minister to her every need, as we sooth and love her, I am sitting here armed with the knowledge that it was all a lie, that she didn't love me and told terrible lies about me. She never stopped hurting me as long as she had her faculties. As I assuage her ...

 Entry 1     7:06 p.m. She doesn't have much, if any, of her faculties left. Those moments of lucidity that do come, bring with it the screaming fear of loss and death. She is too strong for the cancer to take her quickly. Instead, she is haunted by demons, and fantasies that make no sense. I can't say what the point of life is, and I can't say this isn't living, because she is breathing, putting together subjects, verbs, and direct objects in correct order. However, what comes out of her mouth makes no sense, nevertheless. It is killing me. She mostly recognizes me, but this morning was calling me Joe Circus, an appellation I suspect I have earned.  I got a two hour massage today. I could barely communicate with the person who beat the shit out of my body, but she did such a good job I gave her a 40 dollar tip. It is the first time in at least 3 years that I have had a massage. It is also the first time since COVID that I have allowed a stranger to be so close ...

Entry 1    1:18 a.m.  Her breathing is shallow and rapid. She is so sick. Jane, Kim and I spent the night talking, with me regaling them with fond remembrances of Jenny. I have so many. When we moved in together in a small apartment, we lived near Larry's Market on Aurora. We would get romaine lettuce and Larry's fresh Caeser dressing, eat the salad together and watch Seinfeld and Jeopardy sitting next to one another. It's in that same apartment where I used to have Jenny in tears of laughter enacting terrible shadow puppet plays at night as we lay together in our king-sized bed. We were happy, our frontiers unmapped, unseen, unknown, unmeasured and unexplored. I want to wrap my arms around her and suck all of her sickness into my breast. I want to travel the world with her again, to have her laugh at me as I am inadvertently hitting Ticos on the head while I am trying to heft my backpack into the rear of a bus bound for Arenal. I want to relive walking the 4 miles to the...

Entry 2.  10:03 p.m. Discharge was rapid. Prior to the hospital the girls and I went to the mall. Abby spent 15 dollars on jeans, and then we spent $300 on books. Retail therapy. I needed that. We needed that. I found out Leiney hasn't really slept in three days. I just gave her a tincture of THC and CBD. Hopefully, she gets the rest she needs and will need for the hard hours to come. I pray if this malady comes at me I can make different choices, but I am no less human than the beloved person laying next to me. She isn't a coward. She just isn't ready to leave. I'm not ready for her to be gone. I don't know, despite all the sturm und drang, how I will feel like I belong in a world without her in it. She may not be my true north, but she was my Thomas Guide, helping me get to point a to point b, even if she failed to warn me of the detours my life with her would take. She has never apologized to Abby. I am crying quietly next to Jenny as I write this. It will never ...

Entry 3    5:28 p.m. "My body is done. All that is left is pain." So much has happened today in this dingy hospital room.  Three doctors visited, including Dr. P. All told us that the liver bleed is not resolvable. Because the bleed is not resolvable, the pulmonary emboli are not resolvable.  The first doctor told me, with Jenny asleep, it could be days, weeks or a couple of months before she died from this. She confirmed for me that the 1/2 gallon of blood Jenny shed yesterday before getting to the hospital, which was black, shiny and tar-like, likely came out very quickly. The portentous impact of that at the time was unknowable to me. I asked if this is what is going to kill her. The doctor said yes. Then Dr. P. showed up. He said a lot. He made noises about continuing to treat her if that was her wish. But then he said she could die at any moment. The liver bleed is so serious, if she begins bleeding again, she will die quickly. As Dr. P was leaving, Jenny woke. ...

Entry 5    12:42 a.m. She must be terrified, all alone with this news while confused and delirious. Entry 4    11:07 p.m. The doctor called. Jenny's bleed cannot be fixed, it was determined after yet another scope. The bleeding is too diffuse and the bleeding tumor in a place that can't  be reached. Which also means her emboli cannot be treated. Which means her time to decide on hospice is getting very short. Which means she is close to actively dying. We had a dry run of sorts earlier tonight when Jenny called and told me according to the doctor she wouldn't last through the night. Worrying for Jenny today . I told the girls and her sisters what Jenny had said. About 5 minutes later I had an epiphany--  Jenny is delusional and what she told me wasn't reality based. I let everyone know no doctor had spoken to me at that point, and warned Jenny may simply be confused. Sure enough, when the doctor called, it turns out what she said was that Jenny, if she lef...

Last summer I had the strangest experience. I may even have mentioned it in this journal. I went to the funeral of Jenny' BFF Amy's mother-in-law. Amy's husband Mark and I have always been nice to one another, affable. We have known each other for 3 decades. At the funeral Mark was perfectly nice to Jenny, but a stone dick to me. I wrote it off as having trouble dealing with the loss of his mother. I now have a better understanding of what happened, after spending a very long time on Jenny's phone. Additionally, I have found out what an idiot I have been, and how much she prevaricates. It's late, and I likely will expand more on all of this after I have digested it, but she has convinced her BFF that in the 7 or 8 loud arguments we have had about her ongoing affair in now almost 19 months of this, I am somehow emotionally abusive because I am angry about the affair. I will provide receipts when I circle back tomorrow.  Amy, among others, thinks I need to get over th...

Entry 1  1:18 p.m. Jenny shows early signs of edema in her ankles. I am guessing the steroid she is taking is the reason for this, but I am not a doctor. She showed me her ankles yesterday, and I immediately looked up the side effects of her new steroid, being used off-label to increase her blood pressure. It has worked wonders. For the first time in 31 years, her blood pressure looks normal instead of low. According to the internet, the two side effects of the drug are high blood pressure and edema. I am hopeful that is it.  However, Jenny woke up this morning in terrible pain in her stomach. She reports that she had trouble leaning over from the edge of the bed when putting  on her pants. One of the side effects of cancer, and this cancer especially, is ascites--fluid created by the cancer that will pool in the interstices of your body. It is incredibly painful. Jenny is understandably worried this signals the end. She was sobbing this morning and I spent an hour comfor...

 Grrrrrr.

I think Jenny intended to punch me in the kishka tonight in therapy. What a load of horseshit. I learned several things that were of interest as we sat through her self-pity. I'm losing my patience, but it is self-pity, to be sure. I don't begrudge her sadness over her illness. But this nonsense over the words I exchanged with her abettors last week is just too much--just too much. Tonight she lied, abjectly, saying she was going to lose the help of these schlmiels because of me. Mind you, Heather was here today and no one turned into a pumpkin. Albeit, she remains a shit in my eyes. Heather spent the day with Jenny. Jennifer Murray is here tomorrow. It's all a bunch of nonsense. I think her fear of abandonment makes her just act out. With the therapist, Jenny was so oblique, never saying exactly what the issue was, I was forced to explain what happened, unapologetically. The therapist was unfazed, saying that I had felt the need to speak my truth. Jenny never mentioned she...

 Entry 1    10:55 a.m. My world is so insane. I stay to take care of Jenny, my ersatz-wife out of my love for her and because I do not want the obligations to fall on Leiney, which they would. I care for Jenny with little expectation, save that she tell me when she is going to see el pinché--that never happens--and that he stays the fuck away from our home (as far as I know, he hasn't been here). I guess the same goes for Sheila--so long as I am around.  Meanwhile, Jenny resents and I think while she won't admit it or utter it--hates me for not just putting up with her love affair. She is not nice to me. She said to me last night and again this morning that she probably will be gone all day with Heather. After I told Heather what I thought of her in facilitating the rendezvous' with el pinché twice, the latter instance after I found hard evidence she was doing it, Heather no longer feels comfortable being here. Hence the announcement by Jenny twice, that she may...

 Entry 1     10:00 a.m. I'm back at work. 600+ emails waiting for me. I am unable to even fathom how to get through the slog.  Nevertheless, here I am. Jenny spent Saturday recovering from chemotherapy. She was moody, sad and angry all day. Resentful, as she often is, understandably so, that others aren't suffering as she is. What is the opposite of schadenfreude? Her step mother Lora and daughter Marissa came over to say hello, having driven up from Portland to pick up Lora's son Alex, who splits his time between Portugal and London--his husband is a very successful lawyer in London. He came to see Jenny and see his mother. The last time we saw Alex, we were having breakfast with him at a restaurant on Mercer Island. Jenny's dad and stepmom had met us first, and Alex came just as they were leaving. We spent our time talking about how terrible Mick looked and that we thought he would die soon. He passed a week or two later.  Abby, 2008. Yesterday, Vale...

 Entry 1     2.12.2022 Listening to The Velvet Underground alone. All alone. The dog walkers have come and taken my only company away. I sit in this cavernous room, thinking about what the changes that have taken place over the last two years have meant for me and my family. I thought I lived a mundane life, in an unhappy but not toxic middle class marriage with beloved children. I envisioned, at worst, that our children would finish high school, and if Jenny and I hadn't figured it out, we would be divorced. That is the truth. I went to work each day, spent the evenings with Jenny and the girls, and the nights with Leiney and Abby on occasion, and then almost all the time. Every excuse to leave was exercised by Jenny. I didn't look askance at any departure. This didn't mean I didn't love or don't love Jenny. But, people can change and grow apart or pull away. It's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea. But, this is no way to say goodbye. Abb...

Entry 1    5:10 p.m. Its been a quiet day. Jenny was gone early to chemo, Abby at school. Since I am not working, and the house is ship shape, I spent a lot of time reading, texting with friends and pacing, waiting for the dog groomer to come.  Leiney, 2nd grade. It has been an overwhelming roller coaster the last few weeks. Between internal bleeding, terminal delirium, hospice talk, infidelity and everything else going on, I am wrung out. When I think I am at an emotional nadir, the bottom falls out again. It feels like. . . well, I would compare it to that ride that used to be at the Puyallup Fair, where you go into this circular room with no ceiling and high walls. Everyone is lined up with their backs against the wall, and the room literally begins to spin. As it goes faster, the floor drops out from under you, and you are stuck to the wall. Well,  almost stuck. In fact, you are slowly sliding toward the floor, and the slow realization of this forces panic t...

 Entry 1     8:35 p.m. Clearly, someone didn't get the memo on Wednesday's child. Fortune telling rhymes might have served me well. Tuesday's husband who reads his wife's phone on Wednesday will be spending much needed time alone. It was a fun day.  Let us recap the afternoon's events.  I have been stewing. It is what I do these last few days. In the last week I have had several conversations with people, specifically Heather, Jennifer and Jeanne, telling them that I do not consider the people helping Jenny carry on this affair to be friends of the family, friends of the children, or friends of mine. They are welcome to come to the house, because Jenny wants them there, but don't expect respect from me. I won't be overtly rude, but I expect you won't interact with me, nor I with you.  Also, to be clear, I told each of them, anyone abetting this affair will not be welcome at Jenny's memorial. There were definitely some thrusts and parries omitted, but...

Entry 1     6:53 a.m. Another day. Today's top priority, get a picture of Abby's car to Service King, get Leiney out of the house, and ignore Jenny's latest acts of infidelity.  I spent a good deal of time last night licking my wounds. My life is one endless and boring highlight reel from the worst Olympic event ever, curling, without the slacks and brooms.

Entry 1 From today. Yes, I looked.  FML.                   From Jan 20: I have been almost completely bereft, fearing for her passing, and she cares not for me. Why does this shock me every time? I said to Heather, in no uncertain terms, that while she is a friend of Jenny's, she is no friend of mine, nor of my family. I noted I told her two weeks ago this was the case, and she had the audacity to say, "I just want to tell you I haven't taken her to see Eric since you told me that." "Since is the operative word. Don't speak to me again."

Entry 1     10:40 a.m. If you read Caringbridge, you know that Jenny has had a miraculous recovery. She is doing so well, in fact, that not only has she stopped having hallucinations, become lucid again, gained weight, has a normal blood pressure, and is walking without risk of falling. I haven't any idea what happened, but it is nothing short of a minor miracle, truth be told. My relief was so great that on Saturday I slept for hours during the day. I'd call it a nearly complete collapse. I am recovered, if not restored. The girls' worry has abated greatly, Leiney still wary that a reckoning with this disease is near. 

Entry 1    7:26 a.m. I am up early every morning again. I had let that go for a while. I enjoy the quiet and dark. I am sad this morning, looking for the last remnant of my resolve, which feels like it may drift away at any time. Youtube videos stream in the background now on random. " Someone Saved My Life Tonight " is on, reminding me of my child self. I am certain it is one of the first songs I memorized, sitting next to a record player in my room. I spent a great deal of time alone, as a sickly kid. It may be why it brings me such comfort to be up and alone in this empty room, legs stretched on the oversized ottoman, happy that the dogs remain quiescent. Now it's Mike and the Mechanics, " In the Living Years ." I never fixed this with Jenny. It feels so terrible to know it will remain unresolved for eternity.  We both, at some point, wanted simply to be loved by the other. Through  a series of minor disagreements that became simmering resentments, this lov...

 Entry 1     11:05 a.m. Except there is--pain. And it is ever-present. In me, in the kids, in all of us watching Jenny's decline. She is a shell of her former self, climbed so far inside her mind that she is in many ways a child. Her confusion and hallucinations continue. This morning, Chris texted that Jenny had seen her mother working in the nurse's station in the oncology clinic at VM. I think her liver is failing. The labs that would indicate that the liver is failing are consistently bad. Her BUN is at 6ml/dl and after a three week bounce back, crashed again last week and this week. I think that may be what Dr. P. sees when he says he thinks the chemo is working. Her creatinine levels have been bouncing below or just barely above normal since November. Mos telling, the alkaline phosphatase numbers have been consistently terrible since October, with only two exceptions, both good readings, months ago. And while there has been marked improvement in these num...

They forgot to call me when Jenny and Chris met with Dr. P.  Oops. I predicted Picozzi would offer up more chemotherapy.  He didn't disappoint. She starts her chemo pills tonight. She will do it for two more weeks, and then try and get on a trial at SCCC. Jenny's numbers came back showing some improvement. This doesn't mean she is being cured, but that this chemo (which I have never thought wise) has had some modest effect. I wish I had been in the meeting, because my question would have been, if you think this is working, why switch to a trial?  The confusion and hallucinations, what about those? Dr  P.  thinks it isn't her liver. But, we are to document all strange behaviors, digestive problems, low BP etc for the foreseeable future. His suggestion? Cut back on her Xanax by 1/2. Go from 1 to half a Xanax. She already, on her own, stopped the fentanyl. She had used it for a short time, so whatever. She has been taking Xanax since the beginning of treatment. 1 ...

 Entry 1    12:42 When Jenny first got sick, my niece had a man come over to clean our home.  We have used him ever since. Jonny, our house cleaner (he does great work if you ever need such help), and I chit chat when he is here.  Today, as he was finishing up and putting his coat on he said, "I now have to go up to 192nd and Aurora to clean Eric's house." I swear to God this happened.  I swear.  I looked at him with gimlet eyes. I asked, "In Shoreline?" It is. I said, I have a friend in Shoreline who is named Eric. Is he tall?  Yes, he is tall. Is he black? Yes, he is black. Is he bald? Yes, Jonny told me he is bald. Is he a teacher? Jonny thought so. I got out Facebook and showed him Eric's picture. "Yes, that is him," Jonny said.  So, I told Jonny that this man, who I refer to as el pinché motherfucker, has been having an affair with my wife since at least 2018. Jonny was shocked. He was blown away. He was aghast. He said he was going to s...

  Entry 1.    7:14 a.m. It started small. Sleeping more than normal.  Forgetting you had your meds 10 minutes ago and asking for them again. Accidentally taking all your nightime and morning pain meds at once. Forgetting you had a chair in the bathroom and bringing another. Suddenly, quite suddenly, you are hallucinating and confused . I live in terror every day that the turn will come.  Could this be it? This can't be it. Pleas let this pass. " Acute liver failure, which can badly affect how our brain works and may cause you to feel drowsy and confused, and to have problems with memory and concentration, as well as having hallucinations. Acute liver failure, which may even cause you to go into a coma ."