Take A Ride On The Reading Railroad

Entry 1     9:30 a.m.

I just read the now posted doctor's note from June 3, and reviewed the radiologist's report from the day before (also just posted).  The doctor's note offers different analysis from when we met.  He allows for "slight progression" in his note, different than the claim of stable he made to us just three days ago.  It also ignores the growth from the week before.  In other words, the radiology report notes that there has been slight progression from the prior scan, not slight progression generally.  So, I don't know what to think about his honesty, it seems tenuous. He doesn't have a monopoly on that trait.

Entry 2.    8:33 p.m.

Mood Indigo

Had I written this entry an hour and a half ago, I'd be telling of how depressed Jenny is, unhappy all day and making statements about not being able to continue.  But, after getting some relief from stomach discomfort and eating, she has a whole new outlook. In fact, she just took the baby beast to meet Jenny's bestie. Jenny in fine spirits.

This is the first time since 8 a.m. I have had to rest.  I cleaned and prepared food early for the celebration of Omi's life brunch here at our house. Jenny's sisters, their spouses, and Noah and AJ came.  Jenny was very much under the weather, and I made her sit down and let me handle it.  And from there the day went. We saw some god awful homes today and one gem.  My dear friend and her contractor husband came to look with us--our second look.  We will see.

The ride home was quiet.  Jenny in misery, talking about how this house would be mine after she dies in five years. She ruminated on her impending death, as one is wont to do, all day.  I'm still shooting blanks in response.  It is emotionally exhausting for both of us. 

The baby beast is lovely, but largely my responsibility. With all the other things I'm juggling, I hope puppy rearing doesn't break me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life, A Cascading Series of Disappointment

Image
Jenny has cancer.  Terminal cancer.  We learned that in late July. Jenny had  dropped 25 lbs. in the spring without trying.  She had been having vague stomach complaints since October.  As a balm for her concerns, her doctor agreed to do a CT scan for her, but told her they would find nothing.  Jenny wanted to rule out pancreatic cancer, which had recently killed her dad-in the spring of 2019.  Her mother had been sick with lymphoma since February 2020.  The day of the scan, the doctor told Jenny they would get results back in a few days. When Jenny's phone rang that same afternoon, I was in the living room with Abby, where I was torturing her by playing the Rapping Duke on Youtube. Jenny shouted from the room, "Geoff, get in here, the doctor's on the phone." "You have a four cm. mass on your pancreas,"  he said. Jenny made a sound like someone had punched her in the stomach.  "There is a spot on your liver. You have a necrotic lymph nod...
Read more

Still Muddling Through Somehow

Image
At the park, I walked my dog through the rain this morning— not really proper rain— more like air that has decided to shrug water at you out of habit. It suited my mood well enough. As I walked, my thoughts kept returning to the same small universe they often do. They are not new thoughts. They orbit the same losses. They consider the same betrayals, the same questions that never resolve. They have been captured, these thoughts, never to escape, never to be forgotten, never to burn up in the atmosphere. It is simply the gravitational field of my life now. What might seem or feel like self-pity is more like muscle memory, which tells me I need more exercise. The holidays are here, and Christmas has always been central to my life, atheist that I am. It was stitched into Jenny’s life — the love of Christmas — at least as strongly as it was stitched into mine. We carried that love forward with the kids, year after year, without ever needing to talk about why it mattered; it just did. I...
Read more

Don't Do It, Don't Do It, Oh, Lord

Image
It Hurts, It Hurts So Bad.  .  . 3:44 a.m. I walked in the door last night at just before 10 to find Jenny in a ball on the floor--between the giant ottoman and sectional--agonizing pain in her hip. I had ridden to acting with the student driver.  But, let's back up. Jenny had chemo yesterday.  Her friend Jennifer took her.  It was uneventful and she received chemo.  I, as always, prepared the house for her arrival to make sure she wanted for nothing and would be comfortable as she endures the aftermath of all that poison.  Sometime before she came home, she texted, saying the doctor suggested she try Aleve for her hip pain.  Aleve.   She asked me to pick some up for her while Abby was at acting.   During the text exchange I realized she would be alone after Abby and I left for acting.  Leiney was elsewhere and had therapy at 5 and kickboxing later, and her sister Moni had bailed on chemo because she had so much to do (Wit...
Read more