Providential Calling

 Entry 1    9:41


Just rang off the phone with the healthcare recruiter--who was

calling from the U.K.  Why would a healthcare organization based in the Western US use an English recruiting company?  It isn't for the polish.  The recruiter was from the North of England, and sounded like Brad Pitt in Snatch.  I must have said, "I beg your pardon" five or six times.

I know that Providence and 1199NW have been sharks and jets since at least 2000, when I was back in law school.  Probably longer.  I don't mind working to enforce the rules, don't mind bargaining a hard contract, if it is fair. The union almost took 15k employees out on strike in January. Hmmmmm.   .   .


Entry 2    12:38 p.m.

"And Darkness and decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all." --from The Masque of the Red Death by Edgar Allen Poe


The weather is pleasingly temperate.  Once the laptop is charged up, its off to the back yard again. 

Jenny told me last night that she can't stop thinking about dying, about preparing to die, that she can't get her head around it.  We are both going through this. Whether she ever gets to acceptance, I don't know. I'd prefer her to rage against the dying of the light.  Me, I'll go down with nary a whimper.  Not because of false bravado, or any bravado at all.  I just know me.  I will curl up in a ball and fade to black.

This pattern, chemo sick 1-3 days, misery can overlap 1-3 days, existentialist dread 4 or 5 days, hope 2-3 days, pre-treatment anxiety 1-2 days, and back to chemo feels like some sort of Kubler-Rossian pattern. 

[An aside: Kubler-Ross didn't create her theory out of whole-cloth, but it was born with a complete absence of empirical data. Massive amounts of contradictory research since it's advent means it is an interesting theory, but not at all definitive. While I am squeamish about attacking a theory for lack of empirical data, I also must point out Kubler-Ross also studied what I believe is hokum, near death experiences, believing they had some spiritual meaning, not just the brain firing off neurons as you lose oxygen.  It makes me skeptical is all I am saying.]

What would you do if you found out you were dying of a painful terminal illness? How would you behave?  If your answer is, "I have no idea," bully for you.  I don't.  I didn't used to think that. When Jenny's dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, we laid together in bed and each agreed there is no point in treatment, and we would choose morphine over chemotherapy.  Pancreatic cancer is a death sentence.  But, here we are.  I can say that when we spoke of this scenario, I was envisioning being in my 70s, not earlier, after my race has been run. I imagine Jenny was thinking that too.   

My mom had made it very clear that she wanted no extraordinary measures when she was in hospital dying of ovarian cancer.  Just a few days before she died, her friend, who also ran the pulmonary ICU, Dr. JB came in and told her that she had to be intubated or she would die.  She and Dr. B. had spent many years together helping ALS patients who had agreed in writing, in advance, to shuffle off this mortal coil before intubation.  My mom, before being hospitalized, before Dr. B came to her, made it clear never intubate her, she did not want it.  When the time came to decide, live or die, she chose intubation over death.  Her resolute response earlier, turned to ashes.  

This is being human. I have no more certitude, no clear idea of what I would do.  Most don't. I have thoughts, positions, ideas based on theory or conjecture, but not the reality I may some day face.  We just don't know, until it is presented to us, what choice we will make. 

That said, you can create a snapshot in time, an advanced directive and a power of attorney for medical decisions are both important documents to have, regardless of age or health. Jenny has them. I have them. You should too.



Comments

  1. AshleyJune 22, 2021 at 2:09 PM

    I have a notarized document, which I will renew every year or so, that states my wishes to exit via Belgium or Sweden should dementia render me unable to live independently... which reminds me, I need to renew that as well as update my will as I am soon be a property owner. And, I wish to ensure that not one damn dime ever goes to my nephewʻs lying, evil mother.

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