April Fool

 Entry 1   11:25 a.m.

 

May 1989, Arboretum. Working on my porn 'stache apparently. Photo credit, LF.

I am at Target sporting my n95. 10 percent of the people at the Southcenter location are masked. I am preparing for Disney. Will we keep our masks on in the heat? April is the perfect time for Disney, so I expect throngs of people. What exactly is a throng?  Anyway, Abby is shopping for apparel, which seems to be something she and I have been doing regularly since Jenny was diagnosed. 

Therapy yesterday was interesting.  I keep finding things out from people or from her digital leaving.  I was telling my therapist about my find and she said, and I already knew it to be true before she said it, "You already know she was a liar. You already know she was unfaithful. You already know she disparaged you to her friends.  Stop doom scrolling. All you will find is more of what you already know." That is almost accurate. I wrote a whole post yesterday outlining an entire conversation she had about me with someone else claiming I had suffered a heart attack and was blaming her, and that I was exaggerating the problem.  There was no basis in fact, about any of her story. Seriously.  Here is my post about it contemporaneous to the event.

Note, in my post,, I didn't use the phrase "mitochondrial infarction,'didn't blame Jenny for causing a heart attack, didn't ever claim I had a heart attack, and in fact went to the doctor for an injured shoulder.

She would tell these tall tales, I  surmise, to make me look like an incapable man child, and ultimately to justify her affair to those who were listening. 

She told lies made out of whole cloth, or embroidered on a set of facts to make it look unrecognizable. This is the person I thought loved me more than anyone else in the world.

I am so sad and angry about her death, sad and angry about her affair, sad and angry about the fact she didn't love me, or love me as I believed she did.

I will do as my therapist suggests and try my best to stop doom scrolling, but I must say that rather than simply reign my beliefs, it fleshed the story out, makes me see what was unseen, helps me understand the lens through which others look at me.

We shopped at Target a good deal over the last 30 years. Its weird being here today,  knowing she is gone. The pain comes the most in the mundane activities, more than anything else. I expect the girls will be overwhelmed with feelings at Disney, where they went together 34 times when we lived in California, mostly with their mom. 

I expect, if I ever move to California again, I will buy in Corona, not Riverside. I want to avoid the same ghosts of Jenny that pop up everywhere I look here.