IHOP To Conclusions Then Kaiser Does
To Bring You My Love
I went to check on Jenny this morning about 8:30 a.m. She was awake, on her phone--which is like saying she was awake and breathing. We exchanged morning greetings, and then she said, "I'm meeting Eric el pinché at 9:00 a.m. for breakfast." I said, o.k. and spun around on my heels to get my coffee. I needed my coffee. I am expected not to have a reaction, and really, for the first time since this all came to be known last year, I mentally shrugged. As my therapist would likely say, what else would you expect? I have been here for a year, knowing this is going on, caring for her without exception nor expectation of appreciation. Maybe that latter part isn't actually true--sometimes she says she appreciates me.
She has repeatedly said that she won't stop seeing this person because it's not worth the risk that we can rebuild what I didn't know was so broken she would feel no moral qualms about a multi-year relationship and the attendant deception. I keep caring for her, because I love her. And, at every turn, she disrespects me, and eschews my love, like its a cast off sign from a recent Dollar Store sale. How do I square this person with her public persona? With all the good she does in the world? How do I reconcile this terrible treatment with her constant proclamations that she loves me. This isn't love. Her claims of discovering her polyamorous heart ring hollow, and are patently false.
I am lonely, nothing new. It isn't crushing, I have the girls to hang with when they deign to do so, despite being in the depths of their teenage reverie. I have the dogs, who are never a few feet from me. I have my dear friends Paul, Sara, Ashley and Lisa to talk to, when I am feeling particularly chatty or down. You all are the shadow of a rock in this weary world, keeping me from drying up from exhaustion. Still, and yet, I am alone. Jenny often claims no one understands what she is going through--a tenuous claim at best. I am not claiming that for myself. I just have no one to cleave to, no one to tell me to pick myself up, dust off my knees, and walk it off; no one to hold me when sorrowful over Jenny's illness and/or ongoing betrayal. On the other hand, I do have a lot of time to contemplate.
One of my failings is the continued expectation that if I treat her like I would want to be treated, reciprocity would naturally occur. That isn't true, nor could it be. I am at such a complete loss here. I will soldier on, caring for Leiney, Abby, the dogs and Jenny when she is sick.
I will end up going to the hospital today for my shoulder and back injury. I wince moving a millimeter, it takes a minute or sometimes more to position myself correctly so that I can get up or go down to reach the floor without being in terrible pain.
Kaiser. Fun.
Entry 3. 2:14 p.m.
I was initially impressed with Kaiser today. I was in, triaged, and given an x-ray in 30 minutes. I was told the x-ray results would be done in 40 minutes. I should have asked if we are talking earth minutes or Jupiter minutes.
For liability purposes, one presumes, they had to rule out a heart attack. FFS. I fell in the god damned bathtub. My shoulder healed, I reinvigorated the injury, revivified the pain, reinjured the shoulder, whatever. Shite. So the PA came in briefly and bailed on me. Sometime later she came back, interviewed me, and was about to send me to x-ray. I explained I had that done already. She is going to look at the film. MRI in my future?
Update
Ummmmm. Someone just came and took an x-ray of my heart. And a blood draw to check my troponin level. Also, my blood pressure is insane.
The doctor says I had a myocardial infarction some time ago. [UPDATE: THEY WERE WRONG.] I would posit that had to have happened between the time I had that bout of dizziness in February and now, given they did an EKG then and a C/T and an MRI and gave me a clean bill of health back at the end of winter. This life is going to kill me. Also, I injured my shoulder. And I wait, and wait, and wait. Also, I'm not freaking out, you shouldn't either. Wonder what would be causing all this stress?
Update
Jenny's CA19-9 came in. 16972.6.
Now this:
Iʻm so sorry, but better 4 wasted hours than an MI... right?
ReplyDeleteI am overjoyed. But the medical professional could and should have withheld their comjecture before having enough information. So, she presented it as a fact, I had had an MI. She was wrong. She never apologized, never said my initial diagnosis was incorrect. Really, the entire time I was in her care, she never explained what was going on. Prople kept coming to poke and prod, take images, put a sling on my arm, and no explanation was given in advance. Terrible practice on her part. But, yes, it feels like a reprieve.
DeleteI, too, am thrilled for you- and yes, PISSED on your behalf that such a diagnosis was given before all facts were in and that there was such callous disregard for the stress it caused. It seems that Kaiser experiences are terribly... uneven.
DeleteMy Dad loves Dr. Lensa Tirfe. Just sayinÊ».