Cancer markers

Entry 2.    9:42 p.m.
The numbers are in.  15509.3 July 1. Rising as fast as Seattle home prices.  I hate this.




I am in a dead fucking panic about this.  Again today her doctor told her not to pay attention to the numbers.  I wasn't there, but he says it every time the issue is raised., and according to Jenny did so again today.  But the number is crazy.  I am panicked about the the next scan, which we will do right around the time we move into the new place.  If its terrible shows growth out of control, that will be hard. It won't be a crossroads, she won't stop the treatment, but it will be devastating even so.  This occupies my mind every day, can you imagine what she is going through?  I am here practically having an anxiety attack, can you fathom knowing your early death is impending? The bargaining we try to do to beat it, the denial to ourselves that it is real, the overwhelming fear of dying, of leaving your progeny so soon.  Let's hope the journals are wrong, that these numbers are all screwed up because of the mRNA COVID-19 vaccine.  

I will let go and feel grateful for what we have.

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