The End Of Illusion

Entry 8

The cancer is growing. One of her mets grew a full centimeter in a couple months. All of her mets have grown. Her CA 19-9 is at almost 26k.  Dr. P told her the cancer is progressing.  She will soon receive, as of August 12, Folfox for 8 weeks.  During that time they will biopsy her liver to do genetic testing to see if any targeted therapy will work.

The hardest part, the hardest most painful part of the day, came when we met with palliative care.  They were taken aback that she thinks she can work full-time, out of the gate. 

She asked Dr. B., "Aren't there people who just go on living with tumors on their liver and live normal lives for a long time?"  He took a deep breath, paused and said, "Not really."

Then, they talked a bit about having a terminal disease, which is hard for Jenny to hear. But the social worker ratcheting it up after the palliative care doctor left, began discussing the fact that this will kill Jenny. At one point she talked about picturing how lovely Jenny's memorial will be. She really needs Jenny to understand the illness, its gravity, its terminus. Jenny was/is devastated. When we pulled into the driveway, to see if she understood wjst the palliative care team was telling her, I asked Jenny what was the hardest part of the day for her.  She started out saying that it was learning the cancer had progressed, but then went immediately to the way all three people we met with, Dr. P, Dr. B, and the social worker, were talking to her about how the disease is going to kill her.  I hated today, but it needed to happen.

The pit in my stomach came when I saw Jenny immediately reach out to Eric el pinché motherfucker when we arrived home. This life is so hard.

Entry 9.    10:25 p.m.  

We spent the evening at the new house,  Jenny and I. Leiney was there when we got there, and Abby stayed behind to work on her room when we left. Jane and Mike came over with dinner and dessert, but really came to offer emotional support for Jenny.  

I am not sure why it has taken this long for someone to be so direct with Jenny.  Perhaps most jarring for both of us was the social worker telling Jenny to envision how beautiful her memorial will be, because so many people love her. Imagine having that conversation next time you are having a bad day.

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