Life, A Cascading Series of Disappointment

Entry 1     7:34 a.m.

"He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart."

-Proverbs 11:29

We fly home tomorrow night. Abby has homework she has to complete today, so I don't know what our plans are, or if we will have any. This trip has been a whirlwind. Forcing myself to see people down here was important for my mental health, but I already feel like curling up in a ball when I get back home, and it's two days away. Maybe coffee will bring clarity.

I am aching, knowing she is gone forever. I miss her gentle smile, her goofy laugh, her precision in so much of what she did. When I begin to feel angry, I remind myself that a person's life is more than the sum of bad things they did. Jenny changed the world for so many. She brought hope where people were hopeless, and helped children believe in themselves, when no one else believed in them.  That is profound, and more important, ultimately, than ALMOST anything else. 

My life is better insofar as she isn't able to hurt her children by making them her last priority, which I tried but couldn't fix. Not just her failing, but mine as well.

Our last meal out, Feb 6.

What will this mean for them as
they reflect on their mother, as they have relationships and have children? I don't know, but I am doing my best to make sure they know they will always come first with me. Still, it just kills my soul to know they have to live with this very real, very deep pain of rejection.

Why they fell so far down from the top of her priority list, I just don't know.  I feel guilty I didn't fix it, feel pain, incredible pain, for this loss, this failing, this betrayal.

Entry 2    1:24 p.m.

I am taking a second shower, primarily to soak my knee and kill time. Abby has homework, lots of it, although she was asleep and snoring when I entered the bathroom. After this I will go out and explore some more, this time alone. I hate the idea of doing things alone in a strange city. It isn't as if I haven't done that before in California. Still, I don't like it. 

All the pictures of snow at home don't make me want to return, nor the weather forecast predicting rain until the end times, and given Putin's predilections that may be sooner than hoped, and not entirely an exaggeration.

This hotel, half as nice as the Mission Inn, with 4x the rooms, has 1 restaurant, and not room service. Parking is $50/day. The amenities are non-existent. I don't think I would stay here at the Westin Gaslamp again. At least the hot water is bottomless, for which my knee is grateful.

Entry 3.     5:44 pm.

Today's WaPo printed an article that has me feeling like someone has been peering over my shoulder. The seminal portion follows, but you can read the whole article at https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/04/15/gaslighting-definition-relationship-abuse-response

"Over the long term, being on the receiving end of gaslighting can lead to lowered self-worth, feelings of insecurity, depression and anxiety. It can also cause someone to be consumed with self-doubt, said Torres-Mackie, who has worked with many patients who have experienced gaslighting. “It can be difficult to trust people in the future or to connect with people,” she said. Plus, “you often feel very disconnected from yourself, because of this experience of feeling out of touch with what’s real and what’s not.'"

And so there it is. When I say I can't trust my own heart, this is exactly what I mean. I have no idea how to gauge what is true and what is not anymore. It became so clear the more I reflected on what happened that I just doubt myself too much. This was bona fide intentional gaslighting, in the purest clinical sense, and it went on far longer than just since I discovered the affair. That I couldn't see it, even after I was on to her lies and scheming, makes it especially clear that I have lost my moorings. People have said to me, you don't function that way, so of course you didn't see it, but I have spent my career sussing out liars on both sides of the table and have been quite successful doing so. Once I discovered she was lying, and saw how she continued to lie, all excuses for my lack of guile disappear. I should have known. I shouldn't have had any trust in her left, but I did.

And so, fool that I am, I have to entrust myself, until I can repair, to my wiser-self and listen to it's admonitions to get my house in order, before I even consider coupling again. I may make proclamations, as I have, that I will remain single for the rest of my days, but I like myself too much to not allow that I can heal and move on to meet someone again. Until then, I wear my wedding ring as a shield. 

And, maybe I can be happy with just a bevy of friends. Most of my friends, including the group of persons reading these musings, are women. I have always, since I can remember, had mostly women friends--and is certainly true since Corey died back in 1984. My best man was a woman. All of the people I visited with in Riverside, all those friends are women. So, I will take the time, all the time I need to figure this out. In the meantime, I am licking my wounds and focused on taking care of my children in their grief, and on my own grieving and healing.