For My Next Trick, I Will Need. A Volunteer

Entry 1    8:58 a.m

 I am deeply depressed. I am not returning calls, not doing the greatest. My kids don't know, I don't think. My therapist has no idea. I don't think grief adequately describes the place where I am. I have lost interest in absolutely everything. I only move when forced. Yesterday was Abby's family birthday celebration, so I got my shit together and made sure it was everything she would hope it would be. I hung streamers, prepared lunch, had family around. It was fine. As soon as everyone left, I shut back down, too tired to even think right, so tired I went to sleep at a decent hour. Oh, yeah, I haven't been sleeping. I am not doing well.

 Please know, if you are calling or texting and I haven't responded, I have seen them, I am just curled up inside myself right now, and am trying hard to climb back out. 

By the way, I am not anywhere close to a place where I may be contemplating suicide. I have kids, I would NEVER leave them willingly. At least that.

I gained weight from all the comfort food that was around the last several months, and given my lack of movement, its only gotten worse. I have a full gym in the garage, and no drive to get out there. I have little motivation.

Today, because Vital Check sucks so bad, and I keep getting an error message saying I haven't submitted the required documents to get a death certificate, which I have over and again, I have to get down to the office and pick them up in person.  It is frustrating to say the least, and given my lack of motivation, less than a 50/50 proposition that I make it happen. 

I haven't really written in this journal in so long that I can't remember without looking when it was. I just published an unfinished post, hanging out there like an unfinished Bob Ross painting.

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