Gone Silent

I went radio silent, you may have noticed. I started drafting a journal entry a few times, only to check myself. Thanks to those who have reached out. I am fine.

I had individual therapy on Friday. Even my therapist is bored with my life. We ended early at 40 minutes. It gave me pause.  It prompted me to reflect on what I am doing right now, both in my interior thoughts, and those I express in my journal. While my situation is hard, incredibly so, I am struck now by the obsessive-compulsiveness, the single-mindedness I show. I am too focused on the wrong things, on being wronged, on the sadness of losing Jenny, on our relationship, our interactions, the epistemology of our words, vis a vis one another. And more. It's incredibly narcissistic. Solipsistic. Tedious. Boring. Why read this dreck? Why write it?  Mind you, the day to day travelogue entries, we went here, we did this. all mundane run-of-the-mill stuff, is almost interesting because it changes--there is action. The melodrama, which rarely rears its sticky, treacly head these days, also can be a real page turner.  Even the science of the disease is interesting. But the why-me musings are bullshit. And so, I stopped writing for a few days to think about it. About how I want to proceed in my capturing of this whole thing. 

A few caveats. No surprise I am depressed. I'm medicated. It's true I talk to almost no one.  I haven't ceased living, however. I  took Jenny and her sisters to the airport Saturday morning at 5:30--an 8 minute drive over surface roads. Jenny's gone to see her aunt and Uncle in Hayley, Idaho. Jenny's cousins were also all flying in to see her. It was to be a surprise, but Moni spilled the beans by accident a couple weeks ago, I guess. I was awake at 3:45. I went to sleep about 3 a.m. on Saturday night or I guess Sunday morning  Couldn't sleep.  I also managed to leave the house yesterday to go grocery shopping. Oh, and I took the kids to the movies on Saturday night to see Last Night in Soho--a movie which was a bit too self-interested than necessary,  a bit like any Pete Davison skit on SNL, but with less narcissism. That is about all I have done, however. 

This short pathetic list of outings to demonstrate I am living, well, is just short and pathetic. Last year at this time, even in the bluster, I was out walking miles. Time to readjust.  I have a home gym set up in the garage. Time to go back to rowing, which is what I was doing before the inaugural Nightly  Ravenna/Wedgwood OCD Walking Tour started.

It's Monday morning afternoon now. Leiney is preparing to  has returned to Western. Bellingham wind is supposed to be much worse than what we are getting here--and its been crazy here. Abby is at school. Jenny is still in Sun Valley. 

And I am here in meaningless meeting after meeting, listening to whingy leaders while also trying to think of how best to move forward in writing. 

8:43 p,m.

I had to get Abby some OTC migraine medicine. It actually worked. The Bartell's parking lot could easily have been mistaken for a Toyota Prius used car lot.  

I am tired. I am weary. I could sleep for 1000 years. Jenny is home tomorrow. And Thursday is chemo.



Comments

  1. AshleyNovember 15, 2021 at 10:04 PM

    I read (and sometimes comment) so that you know you are not simply screaming into the void... Depressed but still functioning- and I would argue the narcissist label. (Just sayinʻ).

    I heard on NPR that schools in Bʻham are closed tomorrow. WWU included?

    ReplyDelete

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