BECAUSE I SAID SO!

I need a vacation. I think I will take one soon. Go to the sunny climes of Southern California, and find a pool to lay by, and someone to bring me drinks every 15 minutes. 

Styron wrote Darkness Visible, about his battle with depression.  I am thinking of writing Madness Invisible, about a man married to someone who is stark raving mad, but only he can see it. Think "The Emperor's New Clothes" in reverse.  

Poster on The Lower East Side,
 summer of 2017.

Tonight, as in, right now, she is angry with me because I won't solve her car problem. I could solve her car problem. I could go out, get the paperwork out of the glove box for her warranty to see if the tires are covered. She insists they always are. I am not sure how she knows it, but she seems to know it. Because of this, she wants to have her car towed to Lynnwood Honda to get her tire fixed. Ok. I am not cheap, and not a spendthrift. But, we have chemo on Thursday, and our primary vehicle has a flat. My car doesn't go into the shop until Friday. She had all day yesterday and today to deal with it, but has done nothing. I waited to get my Jeep fixed because I work from home, we have the other car, and we both agreed there was no hurry to get it fixed. But now, that is part of the problem, because it is attached to me. So it is my fault.  Wait for it, I will be writing about it when she blames me on Thursday.

It is apparent to me that Jenny, despite what she says, fucking hates me. I mean hates me. 

Berlin, 2018.

Therapy was wild. The therapist did her best to seem balanced, but Jenny was angry and being completely unreasonable, and the therapist tried to get her to see it, but to no avail. An interesting aside, we quit two different marriage therapists years ago because Jenny said they were siding with me. One of them she chose. So, tonight it was interesting to see how this therapist we have worked with for a year would understand Jenny's behavior and how Jenny would react to this reckoning. It sent Jenny almost over the edge. She was not nice to the therapist. Welcome to my world, Shayla,  won't you come on in?

Jenny went to dinner with her friend Lori tonight. She told me yesterday that she couldn't deal with the car today because she had to get her Chinese herbs, but really it was about seeing Lori, and likely El Pinché, since back when they were having an affair unbeknownst to me, that was a routine event. That would also explain why she was late arriving home, having to start Zoom therapy on her phone on the road.

Anyway, Jenny didn't even try to get her meds today. Oh, wait, another lie. I just realized she left this morning to get her herbs and take them to Murray. But this evening she said they were not ready. So, she continues to lie, and well, she isn't very good at it any more. The point is, she didn't address the car's flat tire today.  

She wants me to handle it. She hasn't asked, but every time she talks about it she says its hard. She knows exactly what to do, and didn't do it. So, even if her car is towed tomorrow, it won't be done tomorrow. So, now we are going to have to figure out transportation to chemo on Thursday. Perfect. And, somehow, it will be my fault that she didn't do anything on Monday or Tuesday.  

Her stated belief, which I heard in therapy tonight, is that because she has cancer she should have her way on everything. I am not being hyperbolic. She said if the shoe was on the other foot, she would do that for me. How much bullshit can be spewed, let me count the ways, oh unfaithful one. 

So, I just gave Willow her meds and put the dogs to bed, so I might repair to my room and do a bit of journaling before shuteye. I went to say goodnight to Jenny, and she immediately, upon realizing my approach--which was very close--minimized her Signal, but not before I could see she was talking to el pinché. 

But, I wanted to tell the story of therapy. So, Jenny, as mentioned, was driving home (using Abby's car). Her connection to Zoom, like her connection to the facts (as you will see), is marginal at best. The therapist asks how the week went.  I started because I was stationary.  I explained to the therapist that Jenny had been very angry with me over the weekend and also very sad.  Jenny agreed. The therapist asked if I would like to explain what happened.  I didn't. I knew Jenny would lie.  Actually lie, by omission.  I was disappointed that I wasn't disappointed.  Jenny began to tell the story. This isn't verbatim ,but the high points are very close. Also, some of these facts may seem familiar from an earlier post.  It is what it is. I won't put her spin on it, just the facts. She complained:

1) I was asked by her several weeks ago to go to Portland with her to see her friend and her stepmother. I just flat out said no. When she said she would really like me to go, I said, no. She couldn't go because she is too weak to drive down there alone.

2) On Saturday, as we were leaving a park where we had gone for a walk and heading to a grocery store, we discussed dinner. Jenny suggested quiche.  I agreed to make it.  In the evening, I didn't make quiche. Jenny left angry.

3) On Saturday Jenny suggested we take the dogs to the dog park. I refused to go to the dog park.

4) On Saturday afternoon, I said I was going to take a nap.  She found me upstairs 15 minutes later playing on my computer.  This angered her and made her feel like I don't want to be around her. 

Back in the world of reality this is what happened, again only the facts:

1) I refused to go to Portland. Jenny is going to see a Trumper friend. I had no desire to go.  She looped her stepmother visit in only well after I said no. But, again I bury the lede. Her friend, the Trumper, had already offered to fly her down and pick her up.  She left this rather salient point out.

2) I did agree to eat quiche, but only after I told Jenny I am happy to have it but don't want to cook it and she then saying, "That's okay, Leiney or I can make it."  At the appointed hour, I realized Leiney really isn't going to want to cook after a day of door-knocking and didn't think Jenny was in any shape to make it. I said both of these things AND offered to cook other food I had purchased for meals, gnocchi or ravioli. 

3) I never refused to go to the dog park. Given Jenny's state that morning, I suggested we do it the next day, but also said we should go for a walk at the park, both things she agreed with, absent complaint.

4) I went upstairs to the office, fell asleep in the beanbag chair for 30 minutes.  Upon waking, I started journaling, which is what Jenny found me doing.  

A rather salient fact not included in my responses is that during the entirety of therapy after I contradicted each claim, Jenny never contradicted me on any of those points, except to argue that we didn't go for a walk on Sunday and could have.  So. . .

Jenny was full Ed Anger the whole time, and the therapist was trying desperately to be Dr. Joyce Brothers, when she needed to be what Dr. Phil wishes us to believe he is. She pushed back on Jenny's behavior. She pushed back again. And again. Gently. I did the therapist no favors by making statements she agreed with while Jenny was painting me as the devil incarnate. Jenny was seething.