kvetching up

  Entry 1.    3:42 p.m. It's the last day of July. I am sitting on the front porch enjoying the new place.  Friends came and moved just about every single 📦 over here this morning, and my niece Sarah also came over and helped unpack and also helped get boxes moved to their appropriate spot in the house. I am grateful for our friends and family.  It is nice to have everything moved. Leiney and Abby also schlepped boxes over and stayed here for quite a few hours.  I did some unpacking and loading too.  Jenny, getting sicker, had almost no energy. She couldn't help at the old place, and barely functioned here, despite her best efforts and desire to do so.  She slept for almost 3 hours as well, and has some significant pain. We were preparing to leave a few minutes ago, maybe 15, and she disappeared.  I expect she is sleeping again.

 Entry 1           9:26 a.m. Jenny seems okay this morning. More resilient.

Entry 8 The cancer is growing. One of her mets grew a full centimeter in a couple months. All of her mets have grown. Her CA 19-9 is at almost 26k.  Dr. P told her the cancer is progressing.  She will soon receive, as of August 12, Folfox for 8 weeks.  During that time they will biopsy her liver to do genetic testing to see if any targeted therapy will work. The hardest part, the hardest most painful part of the day, came when we met with palliative care.  They were taken aback that she thinks she can work full-time, out of the gate.  She asked Dr. B., "Aren't there people who just go on living with tumors on their liver and live normal lives for a long time?"  He took a deep breath, paused and said, "Not really." Then, they talked a bit about having a terminal disease, which is hard for Jenny to hear. But the social worker ratcheting it up after the palliative care doctor left, began discussing the fact that this will kill Jenny. At one point she tal...

  Entry 1     9:56 a.m. New scan, new plan.  This is the day . Jenny seems so relatively healthy, thus I don't have any prognostication.  Keep her, us, in your thoughts today.

Entry 1     11:55 p.m.    Couples therapy was fun.  One would never have imagined that Jenny finds me a problem.  She said she is convinced that without me she wouldn't be alive.  She prattled on and on about how much she has learned and changed in the last year.  I argued that this wasn't a growth opportunity for me, and that while I have adjusted my expectations given her illness. The affair and her abject refusal to stop it, I certainly don't feel I've grown. That may largely be a true description of how I feel, but I was really speaking to how little she has changed, and debunking the idea that a terminal illness helps you see more clearly. Instead, from my perspective, it can also magnify your faults, and make them more pervasive, more likely to show up.

Entry 1           Note to self: Never use Old Republic Escrow company if you can help it.  A frantic 7 a.m. e-mail from them asking where the wire transfer is, started the day.  I ignored it, we set the  transfer to take place today, and let the escrow company know that last week.  When Jenny responded and said the money was coming and told them the name of the investment firm it was coming from, Old Republic sent a form demanding we complete it because the money was coming from an individual. This all before 8 a.m.  Jenny let them know, actually the investment firm is not an individual.  Its a national firm, one would think an escrow company might be familiar with it's name.  Anyway, the money has been wired, and now we wait for the word of official closing.  That I have work today is good and bad, I need the distraction, but want to be holding the keys now.

Entry 1  The Week Ahead, The Week Before We make payment via wire today on the home. Over the weekend we signed all the final paperwork. The notary was from Sumner, and was clearly afraid of the city--so cliche that Aesop captured the phenomenon 2500 years ago in the fable of the City Mouse and The Country Mouse .  Wow.  We get the keys tomorrow at 5.  We will bring a few boxes with us, and my coffee maker, which was too big for the current kitchen.  We went and walked the property over the weekend.  It's lovely.  I am pretty sure that it used to be a farm back in the day.  I came upon an old plum tree at the back of the yard, that had tiny yellow plums, the size of a thumbnail.  They were sweet and delicious. I have every reason to believe that the property to the south of us, covered in Himalayan blackberry bramble, likely has many more fruit trees. Packing is a slow process.  We have packed more boxes than I care to admit.  Yeste...

 Entry 1    4:39 p.m.  The 🐕 🐶 🐶 🐩 🐺 🦊 , pack animals that live with us, have decided not to let me sleep.  Bless their hearts.  That said, the joy my days are filled with, and they are, is because of the dogs and the kids. So, I will pay my dues, sacrifice sleep for happiness. We planned to pack today. We had a late start, Jenny's energy level has crashed the last few days. I made breakfast for the family, after Jenny and I got boxes around 11ish, and then packed a box and cleaned the kitchen.  Jenny just couldn't move.  We finally got downstairs, and her energy didn't pick up. At one point I turned to find her curled into a ball from exhaustion.  So, I packed a couple boxes downstairs and she did too.  But that was it. The kids have been little help, although Abby is far ahead of Leiney in packing her room.

Sonny Bono. This is not life sized.  He stood 5'5", pretty sure this statue was 6'.  And The Beat Goes On Jenny came home from Priest Lake today.  I was in a meeting, on the sectional.  She and her sister went through packed and sealed boxes looking for Omi's  photo albums. They needed pictures for the celebration of life that will take place in late August.  I went from one meeting to another.  It was that kind of day.  I moved to the kitchen counter so I could stand for the meeting.  While on the phone Old Republic Escrow company called.  I couldn't answer.  Immediately upon finishing the meeting, Jenny, sitting in the living room, begins to tell me that I need to call Old Republic. She was very short with me. I come and sit on the sectional, opposite the chair she is sitting in, and check my email so I can call.  I place the call and leave a voicemail with the assistant of the person I was trying to reach.  I finish, an...

The last week or so I have been in a wrestling match with the people securing our loan.  The number of times we have had to produce documents, many superfluous in my estimation, others certainly duplicates or a variation on a theme, was ridiculous. But, that said, and I don't mean to bury the lede, the house appraised and we have been approved for our loan. Next, the closing.  Depending on the document, we close the 26th or 27th.  The seller told the solar people, with whom he is arranging for us to meet, the 28th of July.  Certainly he is wrong. I am so excited to be moving, words fail.  No matter how you slice it, it comes up 7 days or fewer. I'm good with that.   The house is filled with boxes, and if you've seen Jenny's caringbridge, she did an all call for help moving boxes between the day we take possession and August 2, when we leave for the Oregon coast for a week. If I had my druthers, and I am a curmudgeon, I would skip the vacation and focus...

 Keep 'Em Separated Tonight was therapy. Jenny is in Idaho with her sisters at Priest Lake until Friday.  Yes, she is well enough to travel and, contrary to yesterday's lament, doing something.  We did therapy over Zoom, as always, but for the first time separated by several hundred miles.   Therapy, as often is the case, started out and continued on for some time focused on the mundane, as if there is nothing to talk about.  Jenny volunteered that we had dinner at Daniels on July 11, and she had a lovely time.  I pointed out that only after I sat down did I realize that Daniel's is a favorite haunt of el pinché and Jenny, which soured my experience.  I was beginning, at this point, to quietly let my anger over the last year flow.  My upset increased as Jenny raised the issue of anniversaries of traumatic events causing a person to reexperience that trauma. She said she is worried about not just herself and me, but the kids as well....

  Entry 1      8:30 p.m. Busy day.  Work. Packing.  Dogs.  Dinner was delivered by friends.  Jenny ran errands this morning, came home and napped, and then took Willow to see Jennifer Murray. My shoulder hurts tonight, but was mostly fine all day.  I shed the sling.  I am tired.  We are edging toward home ownership, just a few more hoops to jump through. I am looking forward to playing fetch with Willow.  She is a quick study.  She pounces on the toy when she is retrieving it.   Love her. 

 Entry 1     1:49 p.m. I am taking care of the dogs, have emptied and refilled the dishwasher, managed to dress myself and packed 3 boxes, all with my arm in a sling. I tried to pack with two arms  but that was stoopid.  I absolutely love all the physical chicanery y body has played on me these last few months.  The mind-body connection is real. We hired movers. Nevertheless, we are so excited Jenny has invited people to come move boxes over between the time we close and the day of the move.  I even rented a van for a few days before moving to transport boxes.  With my arm and shoulder malfunctioning, and a possible heart problem, well, I am not sure what I should and shouldn't be doing, other than changing my diet completely. Having a new puppy has been a great occupier of my time. I have potty trained her, taught her to sit. If there were ever a custody battle, I'm the primary, hahahaha.  It thrills me. I haven't had a puppy since I wa...

Entry 1     7:57 a.m. " She's So Many Women, He Can't Find The One Who Was His Friend" I'm going to a cardiologist next week.  Even absent an MI, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Heart problems run in the family.  Killed my uncle.  So, I now have a cardiologist.  Moving up in the world, also, just around the time I receive my AARP card.  Perfect. I am typing with one hand.  it isn't terrible.  It does allow for fewer typing errors.  I will make an appt. to get an MRI on my shoulder and back today. I feel like some old engine that's lost its driving wheel . Meanwhile, Leiney is working two jobs.  She went from camp counselor to door knocking for Amnesty this week.  12 hour days.  Outside,  Wrangling kids and engaging in political conversations. She is exhausted, but in heaven.

To Bring You My Love I went to check on Jenny this morning about 8:30 a.m.  She was awake, on her phone--which is like saying she was awake and breathing.  We exchanged morning greetings, and then she said, "I'm meeting  Eric  el pinché  at 9:00 a.m. for breakfast." I said, o.k. and spu n around on my heels to get my coffee.  I needed my coffee.  I am expected not to have a reaction, and really, for the first time since this all came to be known last year, I mentally shrugged.  As my therapist would likely say, what else would you expect?  I have been here for a year, knowing this is going on, caring for her without exception nor expectation of appreciation.  Maybe that latter part isn't actually true--sometimes she says she appreciates me.  She has repeatedly said that she won't stop seeing this person because it's not worth the risk that we can rebuild what I didn't know was so broken she would feel no moral qualms about a multi-y...

“ Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, and the Aristotelian unities.”  — Wednesday Addams   Soaking in the bath, Bjork serenading me courtesy of the Bezos HiFi Streaming Service.  Jenny is on the couch, grumpy.  If I had to guess, and I do have to guess, she is mad I haven't packed a single box in two days. She packed a box yesterday and one today.  I woke up yesterday in excruciating pain.  The injury I got from that fall in the bathtub I suffered some weeks ago when someone had not rinsed the bathtub after an Epsom salt soak, reawakened  after I stacked box after box on Sunday.  I wasn't expecting that.  But it hurts like someone dropped an anvil on my back, just adjacent to my left shoulder blade. The anvil must have bounced because my shoulder hurts too, and when I'm a really lucky fella, the pain radiates down my arm.  I slept sitting up on the sectional last night, a gazillion pillo...

 Entry 1     8:48 a.m. Bi-weekly   Chemo Week Much Scarier than Shark Week Thursday is chemotherapy for Jenny.  Her friend Amelia is taking her.  We are saving my sick and vacation days for vacation and cataclysm.  I fucking hate chemotherapy week.  Watching the cancer eat away at Jenny is terrible enough--and not as bad as it could be given her fortitude and resilience, But chemo and the attendant drugs that go along with it are, well, hell.  She is out of it for the first 24-48 hours following chemo.  The following 2 days are touch and go, mostly go.  We are moving forward as if everything is going to continue, as if the deluge has been forestalled indefinitely.  The packing continues apace.  I secured a home insurance binder this morning for the new home.  A moving company--Jenny's girlfriends recommended a firefighter owned company (imagine if I hired a nurse operated moving company, holy shit)--is coming today to...

  July 12, 2021     9:05 AM Sigh. The anniversary dinner ended up being a 3 cocktail adventure for me.  I had intended to have a rye Manhattan, and leave it at that.  We had a lovely table outside at Daniel's in Leschi.  The sun was gentle, the wind light, the sky clear, and the views infinite.  The mountain was out.  It was a perfect summer evening in Seattle. I had made reservations some time ago, and requested an outdoor spot, willing to risk the vicissitudes of Seattle weather, hoping that we would be lucky.  I did not buy an anniversary gift, nor an anniversary card, although I did bring a card, a blank I had purchased at Safeway with an artist's wire rendering of the NY skyline .  We exchanged cards.  For some reason, the Happy Anniversary card I received from Jenny turned my stomach.  I have always hated cards with canned emotion drafted by someone or now likely drafted by algorithm, and punctuated with pablum ...

It Was A Very Good Year? Packing all weekend.  Almost.  I did other interesting things.  Took the dog to the vet, mowed the lawn, restacked boxes.  I am a nonstop movable feast. Yesterday, a friend of Jenny's was in town with his wife and kid.  We haven't seen this guy in 23 years.  Wild.  Anyway, he learned she was dying, so they planned a road trip from Irvine to Seattle.  We had breakfast at Lulu's.  We talked all things cancer, mostly.  There was crying and sorrow, but also glimpses of hope in the conversation.  Then, Jenny turned to me and asked if I knew what her cancer marker # is as of the most recent measurement.  I asked if she wanted me to lie or tell the truth, and obviously she wanted the truth.  I told her 15k.  She went white.  "That's almost double," she said quietly, trying to sound less terrified than she was. She went to see Sheila last night, and when she got home, she almost immediately start...

Entry 1     12:20 p.m.   A Short Groaner Once there was a mother skunk with two children, both boys. She named them In and Out.  When In was out, Out was in, and when Out was out, In was In.  One day, when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk called and called for In, as it was dinner time.  He didn't respond.  The mother skunk asked Out to go find his brother.  He came back almost immediately, with his brother in tow.  The mother skunk asked, how did you find your brother so fast?  Out answered, "It was easy, In stinked." Which leads me to this morning.  Jenny got up to go have breakfast with her friend Karina, who lives in Federal Way.  They always meet in the middle, somewhere near Southcenter. Today, they met at IHOP, which is clearly a favorite haunt of el pinché (and hers) as evidenced by at least one earlier journal entry.  It is on Capitol Hill, next to another favorite place of theirs, The Silver Cloud Inn,...

 

 Entry 1.   2:48 a.m. Sleep would be welcome.

Some weeks ago I listened to a podcast on the grifting life of Dr. Phil. Not eye-opening, I've known he was a grifter since I laid eyes upon him back when Oprah was still in syndication.  Since we got the puppy, I've taken to watching Dr. Phil early in the morning, and found it's like eating potato chips. I can't watch just one segment.  And today he actually said something interesting about cheating. He said, "Does your partner have the emotional integrity to be honest with you, to be truthful with you, to be predictable with you, to be someone you can count on to not betray you? "  I can't, now almost a year from discovery answer yes to any of those questions, and yet here I am. I am the person I thought I was, I am staying to care for her. She is not the same, but does not remain the stranger I learned she was nearly a year ago on discovery day. I know her lies and that she shares them glibly.  Her story, one of the explanations as to why she won't...

Entry 1 Fuck This Malady Jenny threw up last night--a lot.  The nausea has returned worse than ever. The pain is escalating.  Her energy level has plummeted.  I fed her a very small breakfast this morning--an egg.  Now I have given her an emesis bag because the nausea is on overdrive.  Around every corner is another trap.  I was scared shitless before.  This malady turns on a dime, I am hoping against hope it isn't turning now.  This fear isn't unusual now.  I call it Sunday. Abby and I are off to get more boxes. Lots and lots of boxes.

Entry 1     8:48 PM The World's No Place When You're On Your Own Some people say that I should forget you I’m never gonna be a fool I’m never gonna be a fool A better life they say if I never met you I’m never gonna be a fool I’m never gonna be a fool                                                     --from Beat the Retreat by Richard Thompson I am sitting here, dogs at my feet, fan blowing on me, music blaring, blissfully alone.  Jenny is off visiting a friend. Abby is driving around alone, bored on a Saturday night. Leiney is in the basement on her phone, after a long day of door knocking.  Given the dearth of interesting and original things to say, emanating from this keyboard, I am contemplating changing the name of this site to the Jejeune Journal.   Jenn...

Entry 2.    9:42 p.m. The numbers are in.  15509.3 July 1. Rising as fast as Seattle home prices.  I hate this. I am in a dead fucking panic about this.  Again today her doctor told her not to pay attention to the numbers.  I wasn't there, but he says it every time the issue is raised., and according to Jenny did so again today.  But the number is crazy.  I am panicked about the the next scan, which we will do right around the time we move into the new place.  If its terrible shows growth out of control, that will be hard. It won't be a crossroads, she won't stop the treatment, but it will be devastating even so.  This occupies my mind every day, can you imagine what she is going through?  I am here practically having an anxiety attack, can you fathom knowing your early death is impending? The bargaining we try to do to beat it, the denial to ourselves that it is real, the overwhelming fear of dying, of leaving your progeny so soon....

Entry 1     9:47 a.m. Buddy just hurt Willow . They had been playing as usual.  Occasionally he gets grumpy.  He clearly doesn't like that he is sharing his territory.   The two of them were rolling around, wrestling by my feet, when she started whelping.  I looked over to see he had her pinned to the floor and was biting her lip.  I tried to pry him off of her, he had hold of her lip and wouldn't let go.  It wasn't overzealous playing, it was intentional.  He gets pissy sometimes when they are playing. She can be super annoying, pulling his tail, biting his ears with her sharp baby teeth.  But this was an order of magnitude more aggressive than Buddy's usual growl, nudge or nip.  When I couldn't get him to release her by pulling on him and yelling let go, I hit him for the first time ever, then stuck my hand in his mouth, which was still gripped tighty around her lip, pulled and yelled.  He released her then, and I c...