What Loneliness Is More Lonely Than Distrust?

Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). Also known as fuck my life.  Why do I get all the weird disorders?  Some years ago I had scleritis in my eye.  If I recall correctly, my left eye.  It looked like a popped blood vessel covering half of the white of my eye.  It was benign, thankfully.  If not, it could have signaled a much worse disease and a shortening of my life.  It causes great pain that can't be reached by the use of opiates or other pain relievers, which was fun.  As it was, I wore an eye patch for months until it cleared up.  It also was benign, like the BPPV.  

I had tests this morning, again, at Kaiser.  They finally nailed down the issue when they moved my head rapidly while laying me down, and checking to see if there was involuntary movement of, yep, my eyes. There was.  I'm not pleased.  The only treatment, except in the most extreme cases, is this weird head and body exercise I am supposed to do to reposition the crystals in my ears.  I asked the doctor how they came up with this treatment--I'd heard of it before but it seems so far-fetched--and he assured me it is a proven solution.  It better be. I tried the maneuver when I got home, and it seemed to help.  However, now, some six hours later, I have lost my sea legs again, and am as dizzy as I was on Sunday--which was like a dizziness caused by being on the Zipper or Tilt-A-Whirl for 3 hours before getting down from the ride.   Its no party.  I can't even safely drive, and scaling the stairs safely? 

Fuggedaboudit.  

It could be much worse--and mind you I am nervous after my mom was misdiagnosed for a year and 1/2 and they missed Jenny's cancer until she insisted on a scan. Doctors, when diagnosing, guess using the data and the knowledge skills and experience they have garnered while practicing.  Its the least precise thing about medicine, I would think, where you don't have a tumor or blood coming from a wound or orifice.  

I managed to work all day anyway. This shit sucks.  Oh, it can last weeks or months.  Its better than a week now, and I am done.

I would like to trust her, but I don't.  Can't. Shouldn't.  This putting stuff in a box doesn't eliminate the pain, alienation and frustration I feel when I know she is lying and/or even when tells me she is seeing him.  But, even though it sticks in my craw,  I put it away, and then continue the distancing as best I can.  

I am lonely.  Incredibly, indelibly lonely.  I have people--dear friends in fact--that want to see me, but I can't seem to work that out.  I am sure that I have low grade depression, and that am only functional because I am taking an anti-depressant.

Jenny is as well as I've seen her since last January,  when symptoms began to manifest. She has significant pain in her abdomen, but is functioning well, right now.

"What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?"

--George Eliot









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