And Some Things I Want To Say Aren't Survivable Or Advisable

“And some things that I want to say

Aren't survivable

Or advisable

Like,

"Happy Birthday heroin

But God, how I loved you

And how I still do."

-Lucy Wainwright Roche

 The Ever Burgeoning Day

Its Wednesday.  I want to remember these good times, from back in July 2009, in our family home.  By now things were a struggle.  Leiney was well older here than when she suggested to my mom that Jenny and I get a peace table like she used at Giddens.  Still, this was clearly a happy day.  I have to say, I wake up every day with a growing sense of doom.  I know that in a month, six months, a year or more, the foundations of this family will be shaken.  What we are experiencing now is like living in a house full of gnats.  We will be living in the center of a hornet's nest soon enough.  I would like to think that life is a farce.  But, that is true only insofar as much as The Joker is a farce. There is nothing funny or humorous about losing Jenny.  I don't know how to gird my loins, or to prepare my girls for the abject loss that portends.  How do I make it all okay?  Despite all the column inches I spend bemoaning the swap meet wreckage of my life, I prefer this to the coming darkness.  

I grew up without a dad.  He died when I was 2.  I have no memory of his face, his voice, his presence. But for the girls and me, Jenny is the center of our universe.  Even though she has made terrible choices, in my estimation, about how she is spending her time when she is well, the simple truth is that this doesn't change the fact that she is the black hole which pulls on all of our lives, an inescapable presence, even as it tears us apart.  She is a force.  

We have to preserve the legacy of good that Jenny has provided these kids, for the sake of their ability to carry on in the face of existential doubt that will likely arise after she is gone.  Meanwhile, Abby and Leiney are witnessing the dysfunction I spend so much time kvetching and bemoaning.  We don't discuss it.  We don't have to do so.  It surrounds us, envelopes us.

I want to protect them.  Shield them from the pain.  I am familiar with devastating loss, but not the loss of a mother at a young age.  Abby will likely still be in high school, if this disease follows its typical course.  How do you carry on without tremendous guilt, without breaking?  How do I tell her everything is going to be okay, when the words will hang in the air weightless and valueless dust motes, signifying my fecklessness more than anything else? 

Leiney has suffered terrible depression, engaged in self-harm and even suicide well before she finished high school.  What do I do? What do I do?  Surviving on my own without succumbing to despair will be a victory in itself, but ultimately meaningless if I can't protect my daughter.

Death is a monster. Thinking about it is necessary, and unavoidable. I am aware of the admonition that gazing long enough into the abyss is a terrible risk, but we are each day tip-toeing around the precipice, and no matter how many times we tell ourselves not to look down, human nature is such that we will be looking no matter how hard we fight the urge.

Sent this today:  

---- Message -----
From:Geoffrey D Miller
Sent:3/24/2021 9:53 AM PDT
To:Jeremiah David Reenders, MDResident
Subject:Update on existing health concern

Saw you a week ago for vertigo. It hasn't improved. I have been doing the Epley maneuver, it hasnt had any impact. Last night was particularly terrible. I was so dizzy and off balance that I actually fell when I stood up from a chair-until now I have been able to catch myself when off-balance. I suffered no injury from it, but was on my way to climb the basement stairs. On a scale of 1-10, my tinnitus was 10. I also had nausea and a raging headache with sound and light sensitivity that forced me into a dark room. The headache abated after 3 hours, and the nausea lessened, but was with me through the night. Also, i took a zofran for the nausea, with no effect.

This morning I am mildly dizzy, no headache, my regular tinnitus that is always with me and no headache.

I am able to work, since I am working from home, but really am not safe to drive at all, and don't feel safe walking. This is incredibly problematic, obviously, but especually since I had been walking between 4-11 miles a day since September, and need desperately to get back to it. You suggested physical therapy may help this. Two ppl have suggested a chiropractor, which I think is largely nonsense, but am willing to try anything at this point. I may be reached at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Got this back:

Hi Geoff,

 

I am sorry to hear that you are still having a rough go with the dizziness and headaches. I am going to place an urgent referral to our neurologists to see if they can weigh in with other ways to help. You should be able to schedule in the next day or two. If you are having any hearing loss in addition to the tinnitus please let me know.

 

Best,

Jeremiah Reenders, MD, R3

Kaiser Permanente Family Medicine Resident

So, I read this as being able to make an appt tomorrow or the next day, but not for tomorrow or the next day.  I am having another migraine now, along with all the symptoms described before.  I am sitting in the basement, where it is very quiet, my head feeling like its 3 hours past the time I normally have coffee, my stomach and legs feeling like we are on a boat in15 ft. swells.